Tag: thoughts

Advise for Advice

It’s so easy to find others who to advise you on what to and not to do; but, learning to trust your own judgment is priceless.

Besides obvious markers like the overwhelming genre – self-help! One can look anywhere in the US and find and find advice givers.

Balance is key

Evidence of Love

I admit that I do not know much about love and I’ve often used the cliche that “I know it [love] when I see it”! I’m not certain that’s true, but I do believe that love is evident.

I may be a researcher but I’m not referring to quantification or statistics when I say love is evident. I’m one of the first to admit that love is greater than a formula, but I still think that there’s more to love than the feel good moments.

When someone tells me that they love me, I like to believe that I know if this is true or not. I like to believe that we can show love to each other better than we can speak love.

In the realm of romantic love, I’ve had at least four individuals tell me they loved me. I think I can safely say that at that particular time, these people did believe that they loved me.

Or at the very least – they had feelings for me that were not easily put into words.

Two of these individuals likely only loved the ideal me and not the true me.

Hmm…maybe three of these people only loved the idea of me or simply the familiarity of me. And the other, of all of them I believed wholeheartedly that they loved me…until they didn’t.

Oh but this post isn’t about that person or those other two…but this post is about the one who probably did love me in a sense, but did not realize until it was too late.

I don’t think it is very accurate to say that this individual loved me (although that is what they said) but perhaps it’s better to say that they had developed intense feelings for me through the years.

I will likely never get to ask this individual about them loving me. I imagine that would be awkward since we are not remotely in each other’s lives anymore. Plus so much time has passed since they revealed that love to me.

My dilemma with this individual’s love for me is quite simple:

This individual didn’t even know my middle name and they proclaimed that they loved me.

If we hadn’t been familiar with each other for 5 or so years prior; not knowing my middle name was probably easily excusable…but they didn’t know it after all those years of knowing me

I use my middle name frequently, so much that many people believe that my middle name is really a part of my first name!

Since this individual didn’t know my middle name after five years, I wonder if they knew my last name.

So yes, I highly doubt this individual truly loved me.

Please don’t tell me how this person could have loved me and knowing my name was not important…because my name is important to me!

If this individual truly loved me they would have known that my name is important to me. Quite frankly, my name is one of my trademarks – people who know me, know my middle name and those in my inner circle refer to me with both my first and middle name. So if this individual really loved me they would have known my middle name.

I want to ask this person why did they think they loved me? I know that I cared deeply for them and there was a part of me that longed for them to care for me in a similar manner.

But even then I couldn’t convince myself that they loved me and when I learned that they didn’t know my middle name after five years of me openly using it, I knew that they felt something for me but not what I would consider love.

People mistake love for many things but I find it hard to believe that this person didn’t know middle name and thought they loved me when my middle name is so important to me.

Knowing my middle name is a part of the evidence of love.

Inspirational and Phenomenal, Part 2

The first phenomenal woman shall be known as Charisma. I’ve known Charisma my entire life and since I can remember she has been an inspirational phenomenal woman. For a fact, this woman was one of the two women I aspired to be like when I grew up.

If you only view this woman on paper, you wouldn’t be impressed…especially if it was written in the traditional sense. Charisma is not an inspiration because of some job, career path, she is an inspiration because of her character.

Originally I planned to describe her and her attributes. But like I, she is more than her attributes.

One day I’ll tell you more

Love Lasting

I thought it was best to stop loving you.

I tried my very best to terminate the love I have for you.

I thought it was best to stop loving you.

How is it that I’ve only managed to love you more.

Stop Thinking and Feel

I’m an analytical person and not just because of my specialized training in academic studies. This characteristic some times stifles my progress, my ability to relate to others. When I feel different from my daily average, I analyze why I feel that way and attempt to justify whatever feelings I’m experiencing, however, I often fail to stop thinking and just feel.

My thought process goes something like this: I feel down, I likely feel down because I didn’t accomplish anything today, or maybe I feel down because I don’t have strong relationships, maybe I want new friends and I feel down because I can’t make any, maybe I feel down because I’m overwhelmed with my work, maybe it’s just my hormones, etc, well it’s ok to feel down

Then instead of allowing myself to feel down I pretend that I don’t feel down so that I can skip out on the experience of actually feeling down.

Why is it so hard to stop thinking, trying to fix myself and just feel whatever it is I feel in that moment? 

To experience feelings I have to let my protective guard down and simply allow the feelings to be present in the moment with me.

I feel a lot of things right now that do not make sense and cannot be placed in a pretty bottle or box so I must stop thinking about feeling and simply feel it. 

I’m not sure I can do that.