Tag: slow down

Rest required

I have a few chronic illnesses, some that I’ve written about in the past…it doesn’t matter what they are, just know that they exist and they impact every facet of my life.

I recently defended my dissertation (Yay Me!!!) now it is time to focus on job hunting (Why me?) and this is where chronic illness is front and center.

So I’ve lived with these chronic illnesses for many years and I’ve achieved my educational goals…although things never went smoothly…and now I’m exhausted

I have important people to contact, cover letters to compose, and applications to complete…but I’m tired.

I’m not only tired from the arduous process that is a doctoral program…my chronic illnesses are screaming at me to pause temporarily.

My chronic illnesses are suggesting that I breathe, meditate, then rest. Sigh.

As many of you know, application deadlines and all the many things necessary for getting a job fails to account for the fact that your (my) chronic illnesses demand that I rest.

Some of you may even go so far as to say, if I need rest during the application process, I’m likely not able to do the job for which I am applying.

Then there’s others who would say that the PhD process is tedious and the typical person would need a break, so it’s not unusual that I need a break…in the form of a short rest.

The problem I often face as a result of being chronically ill is that I wonder if I’m being lazy or I really need the rest.

Those closest to me suggest that I simply need the rest, but even that’s not always convincing enough to stop my negative self talk

As someone with chronic illnesses, it is hard enough to deal with some outsider suggesting that you are lazy, incompetent and yet many of us, myself included engage in negative self talk when our bodies demand self-care.

I am someone who possesses chronic illnesses, but I’m also more than that. I am someone who needs accommodations, but I’m also more than that. I am more than any identifier I possess…if only I consistently believed that.

Stress induced flare

Ok so here’s the deal, in less than 10 days my dissertation defense will happen and my angst is high

I’m not nervous about what I know as it pertains to my dissertation; but I’m concerned about the what’s next questions that are flooding my mind

This is bad because the illnesses that reside in my body react badly to stress…really bad.

My thoughts are jumbled; I’m frustrated and I’m ready to scream

I must find a way to calm my mind and balance myself.

I must relax or else I won’t make it through my dissertation defense because I’ll be nursing a flare.

Why are my illnesses stress- sensitive ?

Slow down

I could use a few Yield signs during my life’s journey, even now I caution myself to slow down, savor the moment.

People often say that life is short so we should enjoy it while we have it…of course I believe this is often used to justify mischievous and irresponsible behavior, but there’s more to it than that.

I’m a planner by nature, some would say that I possess a Type A personality and that by default im a bit of a perfectionist. I’ve made many plans that failed, including the grand plan I constructed for my life.

Talk about an epic failure! Until recently I was unable to distinguish between failing at something I set out to accomplish and being a failure. Part of the major issue I faced and continue to face is that I attempt to control every aspect of my life, anyone who’s lived awhile can affirm that it’s impossible to micromanage your life…regardless of how great you are.

It’s become a signature part of my personality to have full reign over my life and the happenings of it…this is laughable! My thoughts race and I portray that I’m put together when I’m really falling apart.

I’m learning to slow down and take in my surroundings. I accept where I am currently, while I work to achieve and become greater. I acknowledge my circumstances, regardless how grim they may be but I refuse to allow them to define me. I slow down, I take deep breaths and I thrive.

When I was constantly going, flowing I missed a lot of opportunities because I couldn’t only see what I was not amd what I failed at…I couldn’t see my potential or what I accomplished in the midst of my circumstances.

Life is not some great fairy tale and yes there are things I would like to change, however, I’m glad that I took heed to the yield signs and slowed down. I’m slowing down and yet somehow I’m moving faster than I ever have before.