Tag: relationships

Romantic relationships

Before I start, I’ll say that I haven’t had many romantic relationships as far as quantity goes; but, I’ve had a few quality romantic relationships in my adult life.

It’s also important to point out that I was focused on my educational aspirations and therefore I made little time for romantic relationships.

Somehow I managed to have a few quality relationships

Now that school is over and I can think about romance in a different light, I can say that I’m happy that I did not focus heavily on this aspect of life much.

I’ve read a few articles and books in the popular and indie presses about relationships and those are very confusing.

I personally feel that many of those sources are out of touch with the reality of romantic relationships.

I know you’re likely wondering what does she know if she was so caught up in school? I have had romantic relationships, been in love, and endured relationship loss.

My current relationship status is unimportant.

Romantic relationships are not easily explained so be careful when reading the massive love advice in books, blogs, and from “gurus”.

We all enter our relationships with baggage – I’m including our personal beliefs, world views as baggage – therefore our situations may not fit the advice in the love columns.

Getting to know you

It’s certainly difficult to get to know another…well at least this is a difficult thing for me.

I’m as closed as I am open…what???

I share many things about myself, yet when another thinks of me they often conclude that they don’t really know anything about me.

I tend to have a high level of distrust for others and this makes it difficult for others to get to know me

However, there’s a few people who really know me…usually these are individuals who I automatically click with.

I refer to all of these individuals as my best friends because each of them play a certain, specific role in my life

I’m thankful for these people and they are highlights in my life.

If you’re someone who feels that it’s nearly impossible for others to get to know you, rest assured that there’s some individuals out there who will get to know you.

If people can get to know me, there’s certainly hope.

Selfish

Everyone has something happening in their life right now. I have to remind myself of that, especially when it feels like whatever is happening in my life is much greater than the occurrences in their lives.

At times I feel that way because what’s happening to me is guaranteed to be an one-time occurrence…or because what they are going through is something I feel they should be accustomed to by now.

I know I’m not the only person who falls into this way of thinking; but, it’s wrong.

Yes, everyone needs to take care of self and tend to their needs/desires; but that does not justify the selfish behavior

Emotional Captivity

I warn myself – It’s Not Safe to be Vulnerable.

I ask myself – Why is it Unsafe to be Vulnerable?

I sense somewhere deep within that I need to be vulnerable

At least I need to be vulnerable with this individual whom on my days of clarity I love very much.

I find anecdotal evidence to support the anxious thoughts I have about vulnerabilities

I even find ways to suggest that being vulnerable with this person is far more dangerous than it is

Through the years I’ve created an emotional prison. I built walls around my heart in an attempt to protect it from the hurt I’ve witnessed others experience

Yes there were times that I’d allow extended visits to my heart so some have had access to it

But I have always been in an emotional prison of my own creation

Sigh.

Now I have to destroy the prison I created because my desire to fully love outweighs my urge to protect myself

I let this person have an extended visit with my heart and my heart enjoyed it very much

But then my mind reminded of the possibility of being hurt and I denied this person any future visits

Now it is time for my release from the prison and all I can remember is those moments that my heart felt free even while I was yet captive

This person makes me want to be free from all undue pain

This person makes me want to destroy my emotional prison and redefine what it really means to be safe.

Emotional captivity has cost me a lot, but now I’m ready to be vulnerable

Although I’m afraid of living outside of my self-made emotional prison.

Emotional Captivity

I warn myself – It’s Not Safe to be Vulnerable.

I ask myself – Why is it Unsafe to be Vulnerable?

I sense somewhere deep within that I need to be vulnerable

At least I need to be vulnerable with this individual whom on my days of clarity I love very much.

I find anecdotal evidence to support the anxious thoughts I have about vulnerabilities

I even find ways to suggest that being vulnerable with this person is far more dangerous than it is

Through the years I’ve created an emotional prison. I built walls around my heart in an attempt to protect it from the hurt I’ve witnessed others experience

Yes there were times that I’d allow extended visits to my heart so some have had access to it

But I have always been in an emotional prison of my own creation

Sigh.

Now I have to destroy the prison I created because my desire to fully love outweighs my urge to protect myself

I let this person have an extended visit with my heart and my heart enjoyed it very much

But then my mind reminded of the possibility of being hurt and I denied this person any future visits

Now it is time for my release from the prison and all I can remember is those moments that my heart felt free even while I was yet captive

This person makes me want to be free from all undue pain

This person makes me want to destroy my emotional prison and redefine what it really means to be safe.

Emotional captivity has cost me a lot, but now I’m ready to be vulnerable

Although I’m afraid of living outside of my self-made emotional prison.

Love, what?

At times I wonder if I’ve ever truly loved anyone

Other times, I believe I’ve loved many

Then I ask myself what is love?

I ask others what is love?

Some illustrate love to me with the imagery of a mother loving her child.

I counter that by the countless images of mothers abusing, neglecting their children

A mother’s love is the purest love, some would say

But the images of children abused at the hands of their mother – competes with that sentiment

Some people explain love with the imagery of a deity

But that often leaves me with so many questions that it fails to explain what is love.

I’m told that there are multiple types of love.

I wonder why are there so many types of love, if love is one thing

Perhaps that is why I cannot explain what is love

And I’ll never know if I’ve loved before.

Maybe I’m using the wrong approach and love is indeed inexplicable

Shrug…love, what’s that really?

Evidence of Love

I admit that I do not know much about love and I’ve often used the cliche that “I know it [love] when I see it”! I’m not certain that’s true, but I do believe that love is evident.

I may be a researcher but I’m not referring to quantification or statistics when I say love is evident. I’m one of the first to admit that love is greater than a formula, but I still think that there’s more to love than the feel good moments.

When someone tells me that they love me, I like to believe that I know if this is true or not. I like to believe that we can show love to each other better than we can speak love.

In the realm of romantic love, I’ve had at least four individuals tell me they loved me. I think I can safely say that at that particular time, these people did believe that they loved me.

Or at the very least – they had feelings for me that were not easily put into words.

Two of these individuals likely only loved the ideal me and not the true me.

Hmm…maybe three of these people only loved the idea of me or simply the familiarity of me. And the other, of all of them I believed wholeheartedly that they loved me…until they didn’t.

Oh but this post isn’t about that person or those other two…but this post is about the one who probably did love me in a sense, but did not realize until it was too late.

I don’t think it is very accurate to say that this individual loved me (although that is what they said) but perhaps it’s better to say that they had developed intense feelings for me through the years.

I will likely never get to ask this individual about them loving me. I imagine that would be awkward since we are not remotely in each other’s lives anymore. Plus so much time has passed since they revealed that love to me.

My dilemma with this individual’s love for me is quite simple:

This individual didn’t even know my middle name and they proclaimed that they loved me.

If we hadn’t been familiar with each other for 5 or so years prior; not knowing my middle name was probably easily excusable…but they didn’t know it after all those years of knowing me

I use my middle name frequently, so much that many people believe that my middle name is really a part of my first name!

Since this individual didn’t know my middle name after five years, I wonder if they knew my last name.

So yes, I highly doubt this individual truly loved me.

Please don’t tell me how this person could have loved me and knowing my name was not important…because my name is important to me!

If this individual truly loved me they would have known that my name is important to me. Quite frankly, my name is one of my trademarks – people who know me, know my middle name and those in my inner circle refer to me with both my first and middle name. So if this individual really loved me they would have known my middle name.

I want to ask this person why did they think they loved me? I know that I cared deeply for them and there was a part of me that longed for them to care for me in a similar manner.

But even then I couldn’t convince myself that they loved me and when I learned that they didn’t know my middle name after five years of me openly using it, I knew that they felt something for me but not what I would consider love.

People mistake love for many things but I find it hard to believe that this person didn’t know middle name and thought they loved me when my middle name is so important to me.

Knowing my middle name is a part of the evidence of love.

Not again…The reality of finding physicians

Since my childhood I’ve managed to have really good, attentive physicians…this was priceless since I had many mysterious and/or chronic ailments.

Even at birth, I required specialized medical care.

Well, I’m an adult now – my childhood and teenaged years , and twenties are things of the past now.

I’m in one of what will likely be many awkward transition phases of life. The place I’m at now is not my home and I’ll likely be somewhere else next year this time.

That brings me back to doctors! As I’ve expressed before I have endometriosis and several of its sister/cousin ailments…my body also possesses some unlikely ailments.

In the ideal world I would be managing these ailments under the care of a physician…but in my reality, I haven’t went to a physician in months

I spent a lot of time at doctors’ offices and in waiting rooms…so now I’m more hesitant about going and I’m more willing to suffer in silence.

Trust me I know this isn’t smart but I’m tired of doctors. I don’t want to build rapport with anyone, let alone another physician

Especially since this relationship will be short lived

The problem is that endometriosis and the various ailments are getting the best of me.

I don’t know how to start finding a good doctor…my last doctors just kind of feel into my lap and they were wonderful

Due to my latest relocation and insurance network – going to these physicians is impossible.

How do I motivate myself to find a doctor to treat the ailments I’ve been suffering unnecessarily with?

Is it even worth it to start another relationship with another doctor ?