Tag: growth

Patience…limited edition

My desire and willingness to post declined significantly once I started working full-time; however, I’m in an adjustment phase.

Being in an adjustment phase is what prompted today’s post. I’m unsure if this is true for anyone other than myself; but, transitions are difficult and they never go as planned.

My job is great and I enjoy it; however, other aspects of my life are in disarray.

Part of the reason I feel things are in disarray is my unrealistic expectations and my lack of patience.

I was out of work for nearly 8 months and bills went unpaid; however, I unrealistically expected to be back on the top, financially after 1 month of full-time employment. I’m smart enough to know that this was crazy but still I find myself criticizing myself for not meeting that unrealistic expectation.

In this day and age we are taught to believe that things happen instantly or at the longest within 2 days…so it’s difficult when things take time.

I wish I had the answers and perhaps a stockpile of patience to give myself

It All Works Out

Don’t worry about it {whatever your it may be} because everything will work out in due time.

I don’t know about you, but I am not comforted by the aforementioned sentiment. For a fact, I often feel like it’s an insult when someone says it or any variation of it to me.

Unfortunately I’ve uttered similar statements to others; however, now my perspective on it has changed.

I know that individuals are well intentioned when they say things of that nature and they are genuinely attempting to comfort the recipient.

It’s likely comforting to some individuals, in a similar sense that statements suggesting that a higher power or the universe is working things out on your behalf.

Sigh, I’ve never been one to be comforted by such statements. I’m often someone who struggles to see past my current situation and circumstances. I guess some would say when it comes to my perception of my life, I’m a glass half-empty kind of person!

This is not the case when it comes to my perception of other’s lives and the advice I give. That’s when I’m beyond optimistic and encouraging.

This part of my personality, makes me a great advice-giver and not so good advice-recipient. Especially when that advice requires me to change my perception of my situation.

Before you start with the shenanigans about how this is a bad thing and I need to work on it…let me ease your mind: I actively work to improve myself and my life daily. This includes changing how I perceive my situation and circumstances.

So, yes I work on it, but, I’m a work in progress to say the least. I don’t necessarily see my perspective as a bad thing, however, there are times when the balance is not there!

For instance, during the last few months, I accepted a job that will launch my professional career, I’ve managed to keep my bank account open during a long 7 month stretch of unemployment, and I never once became homeless or experienced true hunger despite my lack of income.

Ok that sounds great right? All things considered, but I see my situation through another set of lens.

That set of lens suggest that I’ve been unable to pay a single bill independently for the entire year of 2019 thus far; I had to depend on my parents, extended family, and friends for the simplest of my basic needs; and most of the time when my phone rings it’s a debtor whom I must tell the same tired story about why I am unable to pay my bills; I have multiple educational degrees and yet I was unable to secure any employment; my credit score has plummeted; and yes I have a full time position lined up that will launch my professional career and it is the position I desired but it doesn’t feel that significant.

Think about the differences between those thought statements. Now, imagine how an individual with the latter thoughts feels when someone says it will all work out.

Imagine their surprise when the person with the latter thoughts is unable to even faintly smile in return to their well intentioned statement.

Sigh. I’ve been told that I’m a negative person and that I make others uncomfortable when I do not take comfort in their sentiments.

Ok, so here’s the deal…I’m not here to for anyone’s comfort and it’s nonsensical for me to change my feelings about my situation and circumstances for the sole purpose of making someone else feel that their advice is inspiring.

Additionally, the phrase that it will all work out is on the same shelf as it could be worse…those phrases are empty platitudes.

I’m not naive I am very self-aware. I do not waddle in despair and I do not feel that my situation and circumstances are hopeless. However, I do not feel comfortable in this situation or with these circumstances.

I am entitled to feel however I feel. I believe it would be much easier for people to simply say, that sucks during the rare times they hear of my situation or circumstances.

Plus, it’s more than appropriate for an individual to tell me that they do not care to discuss my situation because it’s bringing them down. It’s important to take care of you, and part of that is protecting your own mental health.

Thankfully, I don’t sit around and incessantly gripe about my situation and circumstances. For a fact, when most people are made aware of them they are shocked.

But on the off chance that I do share with you or that anyone tells you their less than good current situation and circumstances,..try not to immediately find a fix! Just listen and once you’ve had enough change the topic.

And please, be mindful when you say it will all work out!

What’s something that irks your nerves when you’re in the midst of a trying time?

Yesterday

The first thing that comes to mind when I consider the word yesterday, is Boyz II Men’s cover of The Beatles’ song Yesterday.

One of the most vivid memories I have of that song was at one of my relative’s celebration of life or what’s more commonly known as a funeral. The song was covered by someone at the service, I recall thinking that the song the individual sung could not be the Boyz II Men song that I use to pretend I hate a fight with my fictive husband!!!

Pause — I won’t reveal how young I was at the time but let’s just say that I was not even dating, let alone married!!!

Oh and I loved to pretend to fight with my fictive significant other because that meant I could be single again. Lol! Even then I was eager to not be attached to anyone or anything that would potentially hinder me receiving an education.

Hey! I didn’t realize that I could be in a relationship or even married and still get my education. Those things felt like they did not belong together.

Anyways, back to yesterday…this post is not about the song or the beautiful rendition of it at my relative’s service…no! It’s really about yesterday.

Here’s another thing – yesterday is not referring to any particular timeframe other than before the time of writing this. You know some people want you to be specific! Like I’m writing this post about an event that occurred at 1400 hours June 5 2010!!! Lol

I may be a bit goofy…stay with me I’ll make a point and if I don’t you’ll at least enjoy my silliness.

Yesterday, I thought I had everything figured out. I knew what I wanted in life; but most importantly I knew who I was.

Like the song says, “it’s hard to say goodbye to yesterday” but I have to say so long, farewell to you my friend, goodbye for now, until we meet again — Yes I just referenced Out of the Box from Playhouse Disney.

I had to say goodbye to yesterday’s image I’d created of myself and all the things I thought I had figured out because today I realized I’m still learning.

I’m changing everyday I’m becoming who I am…that sounds weird but I believe that I will never arrive as long as there’s breath in my body. I don’t mean that in a bad sense but just that I am unaware of what the future holds and how events will shape me so although yesterday I had it all figured out…there’s a great chance that that configuration doesn’t work for today.

I am always becoming who I am. Yesterday I thought I understood who I was going to be today…but today I realized that I’m still learning.

I’m Walking Away

Walking away from everything and everyone sounds so effortless and effective…it may be. I’ll never know.

So much of my identity is tied into things and people that walking away from all of it seems like an awful lot of work. I’m not interested in recreating me.

I refuse to walk away from everything and everyone

However I am placing everyone and everything in an appropriate position in my life.

I’ve noticed that I’ve given too much to some and too little to others. I’ve used some things too much and other things not enough so balance is what I strive for.

Balance in my relationships with people and relations with things.

At times it feels like walking away from everything and everyone is exactly what I should to remedy my situation. But rarely is the seemingly easy, easy.

Independence

I’m a bit rusty on child development research; however, I know that between the toddler and preschool years children stake their claims for independence.

Oh yes they want to prove that they no longer need their caregivers to help them with anything. Most of us in the United States are very familiar with the coined phrase, “mommy wow, I’m a big kid now” thanks to a popular advertisement.

This time of independence is often challenging for the caregivers. This stage is one of the first times, caregivers get a glimpse into the future when their child is less dependent on them. This stage comes quickly; however, many caregivers feel like its sudden.

As you know I’m certainly not a toddler, nor a preschooler but I’m once again staking my claim for independence.

I’ll explain…I’ve had a various jobs throughout my life but the next job will be the first position I have where I’m also not simultaneously a student.

That’s all great but it has little to do with my claim for independence.

My claim for independence stems from the fact that I’ve reached a place in life where I’m not concerned about being identified by my family or any attributes.

I don’t want to identify myself as X’s daughter or a member of X organization.

So my independence embodies the fact that I’m stepping out on my own and I’m defining who and what I am. My family and friends don’t have to hold my hands because like the child attempting to prove that they are a big kid now; i am showing my Family and friends that I’m able to do these things I’ve set out to do,

I’m a big kid now!

Reveille

Listen to your body. That’s advice I give often to my friends and family.

Somehow I don’t believe it applies to me!

Ok, pause! I’m not suggesting that I’m immortal and I have no reason to listen to my body

However I am suggesting that my actions often suggest that I do not have to listen to my body.

Here’s the craziest part about this dismissive attitude I possess when it comes to listening to my body…wait for it…the same body that I refuse to listen to is filled with chronic, autoimmune illnesses.

To me it’s laughable that I actively don’t pay attention to the glaring signals my body gives.

It’s laughable because individuals like me whose bodies possess chronic, autoimmune illnesses are often and always told to listen to their bodies.

My stubbornness decides to ignore my body. Part of this is because living with chronic illnesses some which cause chronic pain individuals learn to ignore their bodies. We honestly cannot react to every single signal our bodies send out

But we have to find a balance to know when to pay attention to the signals our bodies give

And this is where my resistance is strongest.

It’s nothing for me to make an appointment 10 weeks after experiencing abnormal swelling that gets worst during that time. Health professionals often look at me in amusement and disgust when I tell them how long symptoms X started.

Maybe it’s a signal from my body but I’ve forgotten what I planned to place here so I’ll just end it!

Love

Recently, I was told a magnanimous love story without a storybook ending.

The two in love did not end up together or reunite later in life.

The love the shared was interrupted by life and personal decisions.

The love story never grew beyond the beginning stages of love. There’s no way to know if the love was lasting.

From that love story I learned that love is not enough.

One must make concerted efforts to let love grow.

It was a beautiful love story, although I’d heard it before.

To survive the often harsh realities of life the beauty of the love, needed so much more.