Tag: feelings

Chronic illness identity

Chronic illness warrior, chronic pain survivor, spoonie, chargie, dis-Abled, fighter, and all of the other labels used among individuals who face a myriad of long term illnesses….

It matters little how I refer to myself when I’m at a place where I feel there’s nothing I can do to overcome, conquer whatever my illness has brought to me.

The labels tend to carry little meaning when I’m facing the implications of my illness alone

They matter even less when I’m sitting in yet another physicians or alternative health professionals office and/or waiting room…

So why do I find such comfort in whatever label I choose for the day? Although it seemingly doesn’t change the trajectory of my chronic illness or the acknowledgment of my pain by others?

These labels may have little meaning outside of the communities they create which often transcends an individual’s immediate surroundings.

These labels thrive in cyberspace and it’s easy to see how certain events in the real world are crafted around these labels.

Personally, I’ve found them useful in cyberspace and I’ve enjoyed the disconnect in the connections I’ve created through these labels.

I consider it a disconnect because I only checked into these communities when I felt the desire to…otherwise, I stayed away.

Some years, I was connected to various chronic illness themed communities on a daily basis…I was even an administrator of one such community at one point

But once I received what I needed or at least once my outside support system stabilized, I relied on the amazing community less.

Now, I’m not a part of any particular community of chronic illness individuals. At times, I miss the relational aspects of the communities, I miss the feeling of being a part of something bigger, the feeling of not being alone…but for the most part I don’t miss it enough to immerse myself into any of these communities again.

It became overwhelming as I shared my story, my experiences with so many who could relate…it was sometimes overwhelming to witness the pain and suffering many of those individuals in these groups shared.

Now. I’ll mention various chronic illnesses or pains I endure, but I don’t want to be consumed by it anymore.

My illnesses impact every facet of my life daily…but my needs are different than they were years ago when I had to plug into the communities to maintain a semblance of sanity.

I’m forever grateful for the groups and the amazing people I’ve had a chance to interact with throughout the years of my intense involvement.

Push and Pull

I’m somewhere between out of steam and full of life.

Constantly being pulled in opposing directions; attempting to decide whether to lean in to this or that.

On one hand I am making significant progress, while at the same time experiencing major setbacks.

No one prepared me for the tug of war called life

I’m somewhere between out of steam and full of life.

Who You Are

When I spend time with others, my self perception changes.

Not in the sense that I’m easily influenced, but momentarily I see myself through their eyes.

Who are you to others? Often my self-image is tarnished by my experiences and emotions – both of those are dynamic. On the other hand, how others familiar with me see me is often constant…I assume.

My siblings think of me as intelligent, quirky, and dependable. Members of the assembly I frequent, think of me as bold, anointed, and smart. My parents think I am kind, weird, and resourceful. My colleagues think I am intelligent, reserved, and mysterious. I could go on but you get it! I’ve been told these things but how I think of myself changes like my mood.

Hmm, who am I? Who are you?

Love, what?

At times I wonder if I’ve ever truly loved anyone

Other times, I believe I’ve loved many

Then I ask myself what is love?

I ask others what is love?

Some illustrate love to me with the imagery of a mother loving her child.

I counter that by the countless images of mothers abusing, neglecting their children

A mother’s love is the purest love, some would say

But the images of children abused at the hands of their mother – competes with that sentiment

Some people explain love with the imagery of a deity

But that often leaves me with so many questions that it fails to explain what is love.

I’m told that there are multiple types of love.

I wonder why are there so many types of love, if love is one thing

Perhaps that is why I cannot explain what is love

And I’ll never know if I’ve loved before.

Maybe I’m using the wrong approach and love is indeed inexplicable

Shrug…love, what’s that really?

The Blog Hustle

How many times have you read posts about making thousands from your blog?

I’ve used various blogging media for years now but it seems that I come across more of those make lots of money posts now than before.

One day I will invest enough in my blog to monetize it and allow it to serve as an additional source of income

But that’s the issue! I have to seriously engage and invest in my blog to make the money worthwhile.

This is why I loathe those get rich from your blog articles…many deny the amount of time, energy and preparation that goes into for profit blogging

There’s also the issue with choosing which identifiers the blog will highlight.

As a reader I appreciate knowing that Blog Whatever by Blogger Whomever writes about Topic One always.

For a fact, my unfocused blog would drive me crazy as a reader!!!

And yet, I write about whatever I feel like.

My blog is like those journals I used to keep out in the open in my room

I would only put surface level material in those journals just in case someone decided to read it!

Yes, my blog entries are vague enough to give you something to read…yet make you wonder about the person behind the words.

It almost feels like you’re getting to know something about me…while simultaneously feeling a bit detached!

I’ve read quite a bit about how to make thousands from your blog and I break those rules quite frequently on this very blog

I completely appreciate you reading the garb I write and just like those old journals

This blog is a wonderful outlet – even if I purposely write with the thought that someone may read it and I love privacy.

I may never make thousands from blogging but I truly enjoy writing with the expectation that YOU may read it.

Thank you for reading my garb and If you are indeed making thousands from your blog – I applaud your persistence and dedication

Regrets

A popular question is: Do you regret it? I’ve thought about that question a lot lately.

I can easily think of many things that I would’ve did differently knowing what I know now, but I don’t regret anything

Plus, if any part of my life and background changed…I wouldn’t be Me! And I love me!!!

I’ll keep thinking about why I don’t regret anything and what that actually means.

In the meantime and between time…answer this? What does regret mean to you?

Advise for Advice

It’s so easy to find others who to advise you on what to and not to do; but, learning to trust your own judgment is priceless.

Besides obvious markers like the overwhelming genre – self-help! One can look anywhere in the US and find and find advice givers.

Balance is key

Evidence of Love

I admit that I do not know much about love and I’ve often used the cliche that “I know it [love] when I see it”! I’m not certain that’s true, but I do believe that love is evident.

I may be a researcher but I’m not referring to quantification or statistics when I say love is evident. I’m one of the first to admit that love is greater than a formula, but I still think that there’s more to love than the feel good moments.

When someone tells me that they love me, I like to believe that I know if this is true or not. I like to believe that we can show love to each other better than we can speak love.

In the realm of romantic love, I’ve had at least four individuals tell me they loved me. I think I can safely say that at that particular time, these people did believe that they loved me.

Or at the very least – they had feelings for me that were not easily put into words.

Two of these individuals likely only loved the ideal me and not the true me.

Hmm…maybe three of these people only loved the idea of me or simply the familiarity of me. And the other, of all of them I believed wholeheartedly that they loved me…until they didn’t.

Oh but this post isn’t about that person or those other two…but this post is about the one who probably did love me in a sense, but did not realize until it was too late.

I don’t think it is very accurate to say that this individual loved me (although that is what they said) but perhaps it’s better to say that they had developed intense feelings for me through the years.

I will likely never get to ask this individual about them loving me. I imagine that would be awkward since we are not remotely in each other’s lives anymore. Plus so much time has passed since they revealed that love to me.

My dilemma with this individual’s love for me is quite simple:

This individual didn’t even know my middle name and they proclaimed that they loved me.

If we hadn’t been familiar with each other for 5 or so years prior; not knowing my middle name was probably easily excusable…but they didn’t know it after all those years of knowing me

I use my middle name frequently, so much that many people believe that my middle name is really a part of my first name!

Since this individual didn’t know my middle name after five years, I wonder if they knew my last name.

So yes, I highly doubt this individual truly loved me.

Please don’t tell me how this person could have loved me and knowing my name was not important…because my name is important to me!

If this individual truly loved me they would have known that my name is important to me. Quite frankly, my name is one of my trademarks – people who know me, know my middle name and those in my inner circle refer to me with both my first and middle name. So if this individual really loved me they would have known my middle name.

I want to ask this person why did they think they loved me? I know that I cared deeply for them and there was a part of me that longed for them to care for me in a similar manner.

But even then I couldn’t convince myself that they loved me and when I learned that they didn’t know my middle name after five years of me openly using it, I knew that they felt something for me but not what I would consider love.

People mistake love for many things but I find it hard to believe that this person didn’t know middle name and thought they loved me when my middle name is so important to me.

Knowing my middle name is a part of the evidence of love.