At one time, I was active in many online and face-to-face support groups for endometriosis and chronic illnesses…but at this point in my life…I just say no! Not for the reasons, you may think either. These groups served a purpose for me at the time. … Continue reading Why I left the support groups
Since my childhood I’ve managed to have really good, attentive physicians…this was priceless since I had many mysterious and/or chronic ailments.
Even at birth, I required specialized medical care.
Well, I’m an adult now – my childhood and teenaged years , and twenties are things of the past now.
I’m in one of what will likely be many awkward transition phases of life. The place I’m at now is not my home and I’ll likely be somewhere else next year this time.
That brings me back to doctors! As I’ve expressed before I have endometriosis and several of its sister/cousin ailments…my body also possesses some unlikely ailments.
In the ideal world I would be managing these ailments under the care of a physician…but in my reality, I haven’t went to a physician in months
I spent a lot of time at doctors’ offices and in waiting rooms…so now I’m more hesitant about going and I’m more willing to suffer in silence.
Trust me I know this isn’t smart but I’m tired of doctors. I don’t want to build rapport with anyone, let alone another physician
Especially since this relationship will be short lived
The problem is that endometriosis and the various ailments are getting the best of me.
I don’t know how to start finding a good doctor…my last doctors just kind of feel into my lap and they were wonderful
Due to my latest relocation and insurance network – going to these physicians is impossible.
How do I motivate myself to find a doctor to treat the ailments I’ve been suffering unnecessarily with?
Is it even worth it to start another relationship with another doctor ?
If I had my way I wouldn’t have endometriosis, who would ever if given the choice? But I do have endometriosis and it has impacted every area of my life. I appreciate hearing about people who accomplished societal success, all while having endometriosis, but I’m also saddened by this news because I start judging myself harshly….what have I accomplished? How can I blame endometriosis for some of my success shortcomings when that individual I’m reading about has accomplished so much while having the same disease?
So to get myself out of my conflicting thoughts I read about how endometriosis impacts everyone differently and blah, blah, blah. This works momentarily, until I read about someone with some other life altering illness who is successful according to society’s standards. Then the self judgment starts again – what is my excuse? I’m just a failing failure.
Ok so I know that this line of reasoning is unreasonable and utterly ridiculous but in that moment when I am judging myself so harshly for how I’m comparing my plight with someone else’s, this reasoning feels like the truest truth I’ve ever told myself.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis nearly two decades ago but it’s no easier to handle now than it was when I was a scared adolescent thinking I had some terminal illness in my stomach.
One thing I know for certain is that the quickest road to depression is to compare yourself to another.
I’ll never be thankful for having endometriosis but I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned while dealing with this horrible disease. I believe I could’ve learned these lessons another less humiliatingly painful way but I didn’t choose the body I was born into or the diseases that occupied it
The closer I get to finishing this PhD program, the more I wonder if it was/is worth it.
I’ve sacrificed much for this lofty degree and when I started I had a plan; I had major plans…but now I’m releasing myself from all of the plans I had and letting life fall into place.
One thing I know for certain is that my plans thus far constantly changed…whether it was due to my ugly battle with endometriosis and other chronic illnesses or the people I’ve met who enlightened me…I’m not the same and my trajectory has changed.
One day I hope to look back and say: those years I sacrificed and the relationships that suffered due to my pursue of this lofty degree were worth it.
Until then, I will continue what I started because I’m too close to the finish line to stop now.
I should graduate from my doctoral program May 2018; but there’s so many changes that will happen before that day.
Health, illness has caused major delays in my original plans but I’ve made progress also. If you’ve read my posts, you know that I have endometriosis and I’ve known for awhile.
I had a dream to receive a PhD so that I could not only teach at the postsecondary level, but so I could help others reach their goals. Believe me when I say that I don’t believe you need fancy degrees to help people and you certainly don’t need a PhD; however, there are some levels of access that are denied to many without the fancy degrees.
My pursuit of this degree is not for reasons of vanity but lies in the fact that it inspires many. Many groups are still underrepresented in the halls of academia so it’s not shocking that some individuals from those groups feel that dreams of having fancy degrees are just that, dreams. I am and will always be a symbol that those dreams don’t have to remain dreams. I look to inspire at least one person to pursue her dreams.
I am representing many underrepresented groups…I think I can achieve my dream of obtaining this fancy degree I’m in pursuit of in spite of the seen and unseen obstacles in my way.
Often I have to encourage myself to keep going because it feels like an uphill battle…but in a little over one year this battle will be won and I’ll prepare for the next one.
I believe I can do this and that’s a major part of the battle.
Being diagnosed with endometriosis in my adolescence was a blessing and a curse. I was glad to know that there was something wrong and it had a name. I was excited because I finally knew that I did not make up the pain; it was definitively real…with a name.
It didn’t take long for me to receive my diagnosis, considering that many individuals go years without a proper diagnosis. Endometriosis was always the suspected diagnosis from the very first time I experienced pain. The only delay in diagnosis was due to my age, my doctor didn’t want to subject me to an unnecessary surgery. We waited 1 1/2 years before surgery while trying oral contraceptives and so I could become an “official” teenager.
Once the official diagnosis came it was also a curse because I instantly developed fears about my future fertility and my future career.
I automatically assumed I was infertile and that NO man would want a woman who couldn’t bear his children. After reading information about endometriosis – most of which was provided by or recommended by my physician; I feared that I would never have a successful career either.
These thoughts, fears were compounded by my very premature mind, I was only a teenager – barely -and I tried to deal with a very mature problem. I wasn’t dying, but I often felt like dying was a far cry better than living In constant pain.
Today, I’m learning to put the brakes on as far as my fertility and career goes. No reason to worry about things that are not at the forefront. I’m currently working toward the career that I’ve always wanted and I’ve never tried to conceive so who knows what the future holds
I felt the presence of endometriosis in my body during my SECOND EVER menstrual period, I was nearly 12. Once I turned 12, I started my first set of birth control pills in an effort to address the menstrual related problems I was having…birth control pills didn’t help so I was referred to a gynecologist. In the referral documents, the pediatrician suggested endometriosis as my potential ailment.
I was so young at the time so the gynecologist tried a few other birth control pills and patches before deciding on the exploratory surgery. The surgery would confirm or deny the suspected diagnosis of endometriosis.
I was 14 when it was surgically confirmed that I indeed had a pretty bad (in terms of location and size of lesions) case of endometriosis.
For a moment, I was relieved…there was a medical reason for why I missed so much school and missed out on hanging with my peers that was no longer a mystery, it was endometriosis.
Then I remembered that my doctors told me that endometriosis had no cure. My relief flew out the window because now with diagnosis, I was the sick one.
Before the diagnosis I was just an adolescent who didn’t like school and made “excuses” not to go or to leave early in the day. After diagnosis, I had an incurable disease and no guaranteed surgical or medical relief.
Endometriosis officially made me the sick one…as an adolescent this was torture.