Tag: emotions

Evidence of Love

I admit that I do not know much about love and I’ve often used the cliche that “I know it [love] when I see it”! I’m not certain that’s true, but I do believe that love is evident.

I may be a researcher but I’m not referring to quantification or statistics when I say love is evident. I’m one of the first to admit that love is greater than a formula, but I still think that there’s more to love than the feel good moments.

When someone tells me that they love me, I like to believe that I know if this is true or not. I like to believe that we can show love to each other better than we can speak love.

In the realm of romantic love, I’ve had at least four individuals tell me they loved me. I think I can safely say that at that particular time, these people did believe that they loved me.

Or at the very least – they had feelings for me that were not easily put into words.

Two of these individuals likely only loved the ideal me and not the true me.

Hmm…maybe three of these people only loved the idea of me or simply the familiarity of me. And the other, of all of them I believed wholeheartedly that they loved me…until they didn’t.

Oh but this post isn’t about that person or those other two…but this post is about the one who probably did love me in a sense, but did not realize until it was too late.

I don’t think it is very accurate to say that this individual loved me (although that is what they said) but perhaps it’s better to say that they had developed intense feelings for me through the years.

I will likely never get to ask this individual about them loving me. I imagine that would be awkward since we are not remotely in each other’s lives anymore. Plus so much time has passed since they revealed that love to me.

My dilemma with this individual’s love for me is quite simple:

This individual didn’t even know my middle name and they proclaimed that they loved me.

If we hadn’t been familiar with each other for 5 or so years prior; not knowing my middle name was probably easily excusable…but they didn’t know it after all those years of knowing me

I use my middle name frequently, so much that many people believe that my middle name is really a part of my first name!

Since this individual didn’t know my middle name after five years, I wonder if they knew my last name.

So yes, I highly doubt this individual truly loved me.

Please don’t tell me how this person could have loved me and knowing my name was not important…because my name is important to me!

If this individual truly loved me they would have known that my name is important to me. Quite frankly, my name is one of my trademarks – people who know me, know my middle name and those in my inner circle refer to me with both my first and middle name. So if this individual really loved me they would have known my middle name.

I want to ask this person why did they think they loved me? I know that I cared deeply for them and there was a part of me that longed for them to care for me in a similar manner.

But even then I couldn’t convince myself that they loved me and when I learned that they didn’t know my middle name after five years of me openly using it, I knew that they felt something for me but not what I would consider love.

People mistake love for many things but I find it hard to believe that this person didn’t know middle name and thought they loved me when my middle name is so important to me.

Knowing my middle name is a part of the evidence of love.

Not again…The reality of finding physicians

Since my childhood I’ve managed to have really good, attentive physicians…this was priceless since I had many mysterious and/or chronic ailments.

Even at birth, I required specialized medical care.

Well, I’m an adult now – my childhood and teenaged years , and twenties are things of the past now.

I’m in one of what will likely be many awkward transition phases of life. The place I’m at now is not my home and I’ll likely be somewhere else next year this time.

That brings me back to doctors! As I’ve expressed before I have endometriosis and several of its sister/cousin ailments…my body also possesses some unlikely ailments.

In the ideal world I would be managing these ailments under the care of a physician…but in my reality, I haven’t went to a physician in months

I spent a lot of time at doctors’ offices and in waiting rooms…so now I’m more hesitant about going and I’m more willing to suffer in silence.

Trust me I know this isn’t smart but I’m tired of doctors. I don’t want to build rapport with anyone, let alone another physician

Especially since this relationship will be short lived

The problem is that endometriosis and the various ailments are getting the best of me.

I don’t know how to start finding a good doctor…my last doctors just kind of feel into my lap and they were wonderful

Due to my latest relocation and insurance network – going to these physicians is impossible.

How do I motivate myself to find a doctor to treat the ailments I’ve been suffering unnecessarily with?

Is it even worth it to start another relationship with another doctor ?

Daily Prompt: Underground

On the surface, all appears cool, calm and collected but what lies underground is anything but…

Even Earth, herself can only contain the tumultuous below the surface for so long.

We’ve all heard of or experienced times when Earth’s underground makes her presence known.

Ironically, mere moments before underground’s destruction came to the forefront, the surface was cool, calm and collected.

But Earth is not the her I think of when I think of the underground…and neither are the now celebrated women who led many to freedom through the Underground Railroad, a complex, impressive, and amazing aspect of the United States’ complicated history.

I think of the many individuals, particularly the women  I know, who go throughout their days appearing to be the picture of stillness and cordiality, when deep within them (in their personal underground) there’s calamity, anxiety, and all other emotions.

To some of you, this may be a stretch, but it simply takes time to think about it and effort to understand what is meant by underground.

We often hear stories of horrible things happening in an underground system from child trafficking to theft of bodily organs

But there’s an underground that we don’t like to discuss, unless it’s the flavor of the month.

Those deeply rooted beliefs and ideas that we hold about ourselves and others that goes against what we feel we should believe.

Those unnecessary pressures we have on ourselves which are impossible to achieve.

There are many more things that we have in our personal underground that haunt us on a daily basis.

The most difficult thing is learning how to keep the underground from raging through and interpreting our lives like those earthquakes and corruption we hear about all too often.

Daily Prompt: Underground