Tag: emotions

My Peace is Threatened

If I could simply be frustrated with the job search, I’d be much more comforted. Even job searches come to an end!

I cannot pinpoint what’s off in my world because nothing is truly wrong; however, so much has changed.

I spent the majority of my life thus far in pursuit of a dream; once I realized that dream…the dream qualities were missing!

How is it that I’m immensely proud of my personal and professional accomplishments; yet, I feel like there’s another story underlying everything which contains the key to what’s right and wrong in my life right now?

I’ve always been that person who ignored my feelings in the name of sanity. I learned early on that the exploration of feelings and emotions spell danger.

I know this is a far out there idea for many of you, but I’ll take this time to remind you that feelings and emotions rarely make sense on paper!

I’m an adult and there are steps I have to take to feel that way internally. I’ve financially supported myself for years so that’s no issue…granted employment would make this part of life much easier!!!

My train of thought departed 🚂

On the job market

It’s no surprise that being on the job market is less than exciting and potentially stressful

I spent most of my young adulthood years in school…3 successfully completed degrees and one almost doesn’t count attempt at a degree

I have a bachelors, a masters, and a doctorate…I attempted another masters degree whose incompletion ruins my academic resume

PAUSE: I’ve seen many (more than I ever imagined plausible) academic resumes with incomplete degrees listed so I know it does not ruin things but it certainly hiccups the reading flow.

Ok so back to my point – I have these degrees and considering my background – I am ecstatic about that very fact!

Backstory light: I am an African American cisgender female from a rural, working class town. I am the first in my family to complete any postsecondary degree…so it’s a big deal that I have the degrees…in that respect at least!

You may notice that I digress a lot, I should look into storytelling!

I have a research doctorate in case you’re wondering…I loved research as early as my second year of my undergraduate studies and I still love the research process…especially when studying the complexities of a phenomena.

Hmm, what was I discussing? Oh yeah, job hunting.

Naively, I assumed that once I finished my dissertation – actually before I finished – I would have these beautiful ideas in mind about what’s next for me! Oh that was so naive.

I failed to consider just how draining, the dissertation process is and more importantly, I failed to see my personal and professional growth.

Eh! What are you talking about? That’s likely the question that you wish to ask me now.

Bear with me, I’ll explain…eventually

Just joking! Here’s my explanation:

I was so invested in finishing my doctoral program with a decent dissertation that I did not see myself.

I did not see how over the years I went from an overly optimistic, naive 20-something year old to a 30-something with a more balanced view of the world and how I fit in it.There’s nothing wrong with being optimistic; but my optimism was of the fairy tale world type. You know thinking that my fairy godmother (read someone who admired me immensely) would pop into my life, pay my bills and give me the freedom to cultivate my talents.

I’m not sure what those talents were but you see…my optimism left out me actively working to cultivate my talents.

One good thing is although I was overly optimistic, I didn’t simply sit around waiting for fairy godmother to appear with her magic dust! One sprinkling of it and my life would be forever changed.

No, I worked. I worked hard but I was still out of balance. So now as I approach the job market with ideas of the impact I’d like to have, I am working hard to keep a balance.

There’s a lot more to me than some fancy pieces of papers that take a long time to receive and I aim to convey that person when I apply to jobs.

So often I’ve met individuals who allow titles to unbalance them and that’s the person I would’ve been if the 20-something year old me was on the job market; but the 30-something year old me knows that degrees – although every owner of them should be proud – are not a testament to how well an individual can do a job.

Oh, if you haven’t noticed – my mind is all over the place – that’s definitely not helping my job search!

Thankfully, I can blog to center my thoughts.

Before I go – I have many emotions and thoughts as I search for and apply to jobs; most of those are fear-related, but none are that my degrees make me more than any of the hiring managers or recruiters.

Although, since I’m being honest with you – a fairy godmother who could place me in a job that’s a good fit for me would be welcomed…but that’s not how the job market works.

Rest required

I have a few chronic illnesses, some that I’ve written about in the past…it doesn’t matter what they are, just know that they exist and they impact every facet of my life.

I recently defended my dissertation (Yay Me!!!) now it is time to focus on job hunting (Why me?) and this is where chronic illness is front and center.

So I’ve lived with these chronic illnesses for many years and I’ve achieved my educational goals…although things never went smoothly…and now I’m exhausted

I have important people to contact, cover letters to compose, and applications to complete…but I’m tired.

I’m not only tired from the arduous process that is a doctoral program…my chronic illnesses are screaming at me to pause temporarily.

My chronic illnesses are suggesting that I breathe, meditate, then rest. Sigh.

As many of you know, application deadlines and all the many things necessary for getting a job fails to account for the fact that your (my) chronic illnesses demand that I rest.

Some of you may even go so far as to say, if I need rest during the application process, I’m likely not able to do the job for which I am applying.

Then there’s others who would say that the PhD process is tedious and the typical person would need a break, so it’s not unusual that I need a break…in the form of a short rest.

The problem I often face as a result of being chronically ill is that I wonder if I’m being lazy or I really need the rest.

Those closest to me suggest that I simply need the rest, but even that’s not always convincing enough to stop my negative self talk

As someone with chronic illnesses, it is hard enough to deal with some outsider suggesting that you are lazy, incompetent and yet many of us, myself included engage in negative self talk when our bodies demand self-care.

I am someone who possesses chronic illnesses, but I’m also more than that. I am someone who needs accommodations, but I’m also more than that. I am more than any identifier I possess…if only I consistently believed that.

Control

My battle with chronic illness failed to teach me that I had little control of life.

The tiresome, tedious path to my PhD failed to teach me that I had little control of life.

When will I learn that I have little control of life?

When will I accept that I have little control of life?

Will I ever relax and enjoy life?

Stress induced flare

Ok so here’s the deal, in less than 10 days my dissertation defense will happen and my angst is high

I’m not nervous about what I know as it pertains to my dissertation; but I’m concerned about the what’s next questions that are flooding my mind

This is bad because the illnesses that reside in my body react badly to stress…really bad.

My thoughts are jumbled; I’m frustrated and I’m ready to scream

I must find a way to calm my mind and balance myself.

I must relax or else I won’t make it through my dissertation defense because I’ll be nursing a flare.

Why are my illnesses stress- sensitive ?

Push and Pull

I’m somewhere between out of steam and full of life.

Constantly being pulled in opposing directions; attempting to decide whether to lean in to this or that.

On one hand I am making significant progress, while at the same time experiencing major setbacks.

No one prepared me for the tug of war called life

I’m somewhere between out of steam and full of life.

Emotional Captivity

I warn myself – It’s Not Safe to be Vulnerable.

I ask myself – Why is it Unsafe to be Vulnerable?

I sense somewhere deep within that I need to be vulnerable

At least I need to be vulnerable with this individual whom on my days of clarity I love very much.

I find anecdotal evidence to support the anxious thoughts I have about vulnerabilities

I even find ways to suggest that being vulnerable with this person is far more dangerous than it is

Through the years I’ve created an emotional prison. I built walls around my heart in an attempt to protect it from the hurt I’ve witnessed others experience

Yes there were times that I’d allow extended visits to my heart so some have had access to it

But I have always been in an emotional prison of my own creation

Sigh.

Now I have to destroy the prison I created because my desire to fully love outweighs my urge to protect myself

I let this person have an extended visit with my heart and my heart enjoyed it very much

But then my mind reminded of the possibility of being hurt and I denied this person any future visits

Now it is time for my release from the prison and all I can remember is those moments that my heart felt free even while I was yet captive

This person makes me want to be free from all undue pain

This person makes me want to destroy my emotional prison and redefine what it really means to be safe.

Emotional captivity has cost me a lot, but now I’m ready to be vulnerable

Although I’m afraid of living outside of my self-made emotional prison.

Emotional Captivity

I warn myself – It’s Not Safe to be Vulnerable.

I ask myself – Why is it Unsafe to be Vulnerable?

I sense somewhere deep within that I need to be vulnerable

At least I need to be vulnerable with this individual whom on my days of clarity I love very much.

I find anecdotal evidence to support the anxious thoughts I have about vulnerabilities

I even find ways to suggest that being vulnerable with this person is far more dangerous than it is

Through the years I’ve created an emotional prison. I built walls around my heart in an attempt to protect it from the hurt I’ve witnessed others experience

Yes there were times that I’d allow extended visits to my heart so some have had access to it

But I have always been in an emotional prison of my own creation

Sigh.

Now I have to destroy the prison I created because my desire to fully love outweighs my urge to protect myself

I let this person have an extended visit with my heart and my heart enjoyed it very much

But then my mind reminded of the possibility of being hurt and I denied this person any future visits

Now it is time for my release from the prison and all I can remember is those moments that my heart felt free even while I was yet captive

This person makes me want to be free from all undue pain

This person makes me want to destroy my emotional prison and redefine what it really means to be safe.

Emotional captivity has cost me a lot, but now I’m ready to be vulnerable

Although I’m afraid of living outside of my self-made emotional prison.

Love, what?

At times I wonder if I’ve ever truly loved anyone

Other times, I believe I’ve loved many

Then I ask myself what is love?

I ask others what is love?

Some illustrate love to me with the imagery of a mother loving her child.

I counter that by the countless images of mothers abusing, neglecting their children

A mother’s love is the purest love, some would say

But the images of children abused at the hands of their mother – competes with that sentiment

Some people explain love with the imagery of a deity

But that often leaves me with so many questions that it fails to explain what is love.

I’m told that there are multiple types of love.

I wonder why are there so many types of love, if love is one thing

Perhaps that is why I cannot explain what is love

And I’ll never know if I’ve loved before.

Maybe I’m using the wrong approach and love is indeed inexplicable

Shrug…love, what’s that really?

Flares

Flares – how appropriate is this word for the unpredictable, destructive way endometriosis and similar chronic pain disorders interrupt your life.

Like a flare of fire even if you avoid looking at it, the heat still makes it known. With endometriosis I often refuse to pay attention to the outrageous pain…yet it continues.

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