Tag: emotions

It All Works Out

Don’t worry about it {whatever your it may be} because everything will work out in due time.

I don’t know about you, but I am not comforted by the aforementioned sentiment. For a fact, I often feel like it’s an insult when someone says it or any variation of it to me.

Unfortunately I’ve uttered similar statements to others; however, now my perspective on it has changed.

I know that individuals are well intentioned when they say things of that nature and they are genuinely attempting to comfort the recipient.

It’s likely comforting to some individuals, in a similar sense that statements suggesting that a higher power or the universe is working things out on your behalf.

Sigh, I’ve never been one to be comforted by such statements. I’m often someone who struggles to see past my current situation and circumstances. I guess some would say when it comes to my perception of my life, I’m a glass half-empty kind of person!

This is not the case when it comes to my perception of other’s lives and the advice I give. That’s when I’m beyond optimistic and encouraging.

This part of my personality, makes me a great advice-giver and not so good advice-recipient. Especially when that advice requires me to change my perception of my situation.

Before you start with the shenanigans about how this is a bad thing and I need to work on it…let me ease your mind: I actively work to improve myself and my life daily. This includes changing how I perceive my situation and circumstances.

So, yes I work on it, but, I’m a work in progress to say the least. I don’t necessarily see my perspective as a bad thing, however, there are times when the balance is not there!

For instance, during the last few months, I accepted a job that will launch my professional career, I’ve managed to keep my bank account open during a long 7 month stretch of unemployment, and I never once became homeless or experienced true hunger despite my lack of income.

Ok that sounds great right? All things considered, but I see my situation through another set of lens.

That set of lens suggest that I’ve been unable to pay a single bill independently for the entire year of 2019 thus far; I had to depend on my parents, extended family, and friends for the simplest of my basic needs; and most of the time when my phone rings it’s a debtor whom I must tell the same tired story about why I am unable to pay my bills; I have multiple educational degrees and yet I was unable to secure any employment; my credit score has plummeted; and yes I have a full time position lined up that will launch my professional career and it is the position I desired but it doesn’t feel that significant.

Think about the differences between those thought statements. Now, imagine how an individual with the latter thoughts feels when someone says it will all work out.

Imagine their surprise when the person with the latter thoughts is unable to even faintly smile in return to their well intentioned statement.

Sigh. I’ve been told that I’m a negative person and that I make others uncomfortable when I do not take comfort in their sentiments.

Ok, so here’s the deal…I’m not here to for anyone’s comfort and it’s nonsensical for me to change my feelings about my situation and circumstances for the sole purpose of making someone else feel that their advice is inspiring.

Additionally, the phrase that it will all work out is on the same shelf as it could be worse…those phrases are empty platitudes.

I’m not naive I am very self-aware. I do not waddle in despair and I do not feel that my situation and circumstances are hopeless. However, I do not feel comfortable in this situation or with these circumstances.

I am entitled to feel however I feel. I believe it would be much easier for people to simply say, that sucks during the rare times they hear of my situation or circumstances.

Plus, it’s more than appropriate for an individual to tell me that they do not care to discuss my situation because it’s bringing them down. It’s important to take care of you, and part of that is protecting your own mental health.

Thankfully, I don’t sit around and incessantly gripe about my situation and circumstances. For a fact, when most people are made aware of them they are shocked.

But on the off chance that I do share with you or that anyone tells you their less than good current situation and circumstances,..try not to immediately find a fix! Just listen and once you’ve had enough change the topic.

And please, be mindful when you say it will all work out!

What’s something that irks your nerves when you’re in the midst of a trying time?

Who likes to fall (in love)?

I’ve read that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. That sounds like something someone makes up while they are trying to recover from a breakup or worse, unrequited love.

I’ve loved a time or two. I’ve lost a time or two; in regards to love. I’ve even had the pleasure of experiencing unrequited love. For those reasons I’m not sure it’s better to have loved.

In many ways, I think I could’ve been ok without every experiencing love like that. But then again, I could just be recovering from a breakup or unrequited love!

I don’t know what I think about love, at this phase in my life. I do know that I employ too many fantastical ideas about love and relationships.

I do know that I stick with a person well past the expiration date. I do this in all of my relationships, romantic, familial, and platonic.

Please don’t tell me that familial relationships do not expire! I’m not suggesting that we will quit being family but I am suggesting that the dynamics change. Familiar relationships take work to maintain just like all other relationships.

Love, romantic love, is something I vowed to never do! I was uninterested of putting my heart out there and exposing my emotions. I was adamantly against ever falling in love.

Some people have said that the thing you’re most against is the thing that you will run into or at least find yourself doing. Well! I didn’t listen to that sage advice.

I looked up one day and realized I was in love with an amazing individual. Yes, he was and is and likely always will be amazing. I did not want to fall in love with him and I questioned the validity of my love for a long time.

I bet you’re wondering why I don’t believe that it’s better to have loved since I still still speak highly of the one I loved?

Well although my life improved drastically with his presence, I don’t know that I’d want to experience the vulnerabilities associated with falling in love all over again.

I don’t know if it was necessary.

If I seem confused, I’m not; however, I am still struggling with the vulnerability associated with falling in love.

I’ll never speak badly about this man, it’s really not about him. It’s about me and the complexities of my emotions.

You won’t catch me truthfully singing that I feel like falling in love

I’m Walking Away

Walking away from everything and everyone sounds so effortless and effective…it may be. I’ll never know.

So much of my identity is tied into things and people that walking away from all of it seems like an awful lot of work. I’m not interested in recreating me.

I refuse to walk away from everything and everyone

However I am placing everyone and everything in an appropriate position in my life.

I’ve noticed that I’ve given too much to some and too little to others. I’ve used some things too much and other things not enough so balance is what I strive for.

Balance in my relationships with people and relations with things.

At times it feels like walking away from everything and everyone is exactly what I should to remedy my situation. But rarely is the seemingly easy, easy.

Worry Less

As I prepare for my next phase in life, I have several concerns about how things will be.

One of the reasons I have so many concerns is because my financial state at the moment is pretty sad.

I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I worry how my future will be impacted.

This is a credit score driven community and with each day that I’m literally waiting on my job to start, my credit sinks.

I’ve spoken to my debtors, I’ve explained the situation thoroughly multiple times. For the most part, they’ve been understanding and treated me well.

They are all running businesses so I completely understand if they are unable to wait until my situation changes.

I worry about my ability to have a smooth transition because of my current credit woes.

I’ve punished myself far more severely than anyone ever should for the financial decisions I made when I had income. I punished myself for helping others who faced unusual financial situations. Oh I’ve punished myself for buying any unnecessary item when I had income.

I punished myself for months and I must say that didn’t help my financial situation. If anything the continual stress weakened my immune system which led to sickness, which led to more expenses I was unable to cover.

At the moment, I’m not in a dark place and I do not feel doomed…but it has taking months to get here.

I cannot make my job start any sooner. I cannot make temporary employment appear. I cannot change the decisions I made when I had income.

However, I can make the most of my days. I can enjoy my family and friends before I depart for my new adventure. I can respectably inform my debtors of my situation. I can accept any consequences I must face during this time.

I can take care of my health to the best of my ability. I can help others and I can smile and laugh.

There are times in life when it seems that we are sinking further into a dark hole. In these times we feel like there’s NO WAY we will get out of this tough spot or perhaps there’s no way we will survive.

You and I are not privy to what the next hour, let alone the next day will present to us and our lives; however, we can do our best to make the most of this current moment.

I have a lot to be thankful for and I’m sure you do as well. I’m not telling you to keep fighting or stand strong; I’m merely suggesting that you cherish the moment and try to enjoy it.

It is too difficult for me to tell myself to have a great day and/or make this day count….at this time in my life a day is too long to even really think about so instead I attempt to make the most of a moment.

Sometimes once the day ends I noticed that I had a good day…but it’s a blessing when I can simply have a good moment.

You know? Like during the few moments that I wrote this post, I breathed a sigh of relief from my current situation. I don’t know if I’ll have a good day and I’m certainly not going to make myself have a good day…but thanks to you, my readers, creating this post for you, provided me some good moments during this day.

I was able to worry less, if only for a moment.

Stress Alert

My posts as of late are very “woe is me”, “my problems are huge”, and “I have no answers”!

Thankfully, this is my undefined blog which often serves as a safe space for my thoughts.

My thoughts are not always bright and sunny. Sometimes I think through my dilemmas in a nonlinear, illogical fashion. Then other times I just pout it out.

I’m always me! That’s a guarantee.

I notice readers (thank you btw) enjoy my woe is me posts! Not because you are secretly laughing; but because you can totally relate.

I think that’s the thing that I must always remember – I’m not the only individual who faces stressful times. I’m certainly not the only one who struggles to cherish the moment.

Most people (I know I could say All people but I like to naively believe there’s a group of people who NEVER have problems) encounter issues and deal with an increased level of stress at least once in their lifetime…however when I am in the midst of my issue, it seems like no one else has ever been through anything quite like what I’m going through!

Isn’t it amazing how we have to address such lies while we are trying to stay afloat during high stress times?

I know it must hold some element of truth because movies and television series occasionally highlight the internal angst one experiences while they are in the throes of their issues.

Perhaps it has a lot to do with the culture of the United States or the Western world, but stressing about whether others have the same type of stressors while one is stressed out about an issue is stressful!

Stress begets more stress because pity party likes to do it big!!!

That’s all folks. Stress less…write more!!!!

That ONE Post

Does anyone else wonder what that one blog post would translate to if you were suddenly no longer around?

Honestly, I think this very thought about the emails I send and the blog posts I write. What will people think of me if they canvassed my writing and read that ONE POST?

You know, like that one post you wrote when you were upset or maybe even in an impaired state of mind. Or the post you composed when you first started your blog and you just knew NO ONE would ever see it. Let’s not forget the post you wrote about a topic that you were deeply passionate about; only to really you were also very ill-informed. Or maybe it’s the nonsensical post that was just for fun at the time of writing.

All of these posts will be read one day, some more closely than others. Depending on how it happens that you are no longer managing your blog, the post will be read differently.

Have you ever heard an investigator, anthropologist, historian, or even someone’s family member piece together someone’s identity based on written documents?

What image will people have of you based on your posts? Specifically, what image will they have if they only read that one post?

How much attention should we pay to the image we cultivate through our words? Are there certain times we should pay more attention to this sculpted image?

I have the slightest idea what someone would think of me by reading any of my posts…it really depends on which post they read. However, I know one thing that even if I posted everyday; the reader would only know what I wanted them to know in that moment.

Besides I am more than any of my attributes, and my attributes are great!

Emotional Reaction

I hate you – at least that’s how I feel in this moment.

Hate is too strong of a word. One might say, but in the moment hate is the best descriptor I possess.

When I say I love you, no one tells me that love is too strong of a word.

Hate. Love. These words are often thought to be opposites. Some even suggest that there’s a thin line between them or perhaps they are on a spectrum…easily blurred.

If I tell you I hate you right now, will you even hear the words “right now”? Or will you only hear “I hate you”?

Does it even matter if you hear the entire statement?

Does the context matter? If I said it while I was upset or in the heat of the moment, does that change how you receive my statement?

I hate you right now, but I’m not sure what that really means.

I’m not feeling very lovingly toward you so does that translate to hate?

I won’t hate you during the next moment; but in this moment I do. Does that change how you receive my statement?

I hate you right now; but, perhaps I’ll love you later.

Does that matter since I hate you right now?

Breaking Point

If they paid any attention they would recognize that something was amiss.

If they listened they would hear that something was amiss.

If the knew her they would know that something was amiss.

She is slowly crumbling, albeit internally.

She appears put together externally.

She knows that she is at her breaking point; but those who say they love her and that they care are clueless to this very fact.

At this point she refuses to try and hold on.

She gave up many moons ago.

The only fight she has left is pure instinct. She only reacts now with a faint attempt to survive.

They don’t realize she is crumbling.

They fail to notice that anything is wrong.

If she ultimately breaks, in the aftermath they will suddenly recognize that she had been at a breaking point for quite some time.

They will compare notes to see whether the things become clues to her crumbling are really clues are just quirks.

Oh she is full of quirks and hard to get to know, so they disagree on what clues she displayed – this debate takes place in the aftermath of her finally breaking – and what was just her quirks.

They should see that she is crumbling, prior to her breaking…but they don’t know her well enough to truly recognize the clues.

She is slowly crumbling and losing her ability to fight it.

Unfortunately they won’t realize anything is wrong with her until the aftermath of her breaking completely.

Do better, be better, pay attention, get to know one another…don’t wait until the aftermath to realize what’s been there all along.

Romantic relationship role models

Ok that’s a mouthful but coming of age I did not have couples that I could model my future romantic relationships after. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that everyone around me were in bad or toxic romantic relationships; but, I am suggesting that I didn’t see enough of any romantic relationship that would eventually serve as a model.

This is partially because I was raised under the ideology that “children should stay in their place” which led to me never really knowing anything that was happening in the adult world.

For much of my youth, outside of weddings or other special occasions I didn’t observe adult couples being affectionate. Occasionally, I eavesdropped enough to hear the adults discuss finances or household responsibilities that were often gendered based.

Until I was an adult, I don’t recall my parents ever having date night and I definitely never heard about how any of the adult couples came to be a couple!

I can’t tell you how my parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles met their romantic partners. It’s funny. I watch a lot of cheesy romance movies on a popular television network that’s known for the cheesy!

I am glad that the adult couples I observed when I was coming of age didn’t try to present the cheesy television network’s version of romantic relationships; however, I do wish I would’ve received a more full picture of romantic relationships.

Fortunately, I know that even if I observed a detailed version of romantic relationships when I was growing up; I would still have many of the same issues. Quite frankly, every relationship is different and the individuals in the relationship are unique; therefore, no roadmap or model would ease my issues with relationships.

I do believe that the privilege of observing real life romantic relationships can help or hurt your development as far as your receptiveness to love is concerned…but I know that relationships take work regardless of your starting position!

Some people have a healthier idea of relationships than others. Others have fanciful ideas of relationships and then there’s people like me who are simply going with the flow because we really don’t know!!!

It’s ok to not know what you’re doing in your romantic relationship – no one really does or else there wouldn’t be so much “help” available for our consumption!

If this love is real, my relationship looks like…

Many of us are led to believe that there’s someone out there for us; waiting to embark on an adventurous romantic relationship with us.

There are so many popularly held beliefs about love that it’s easy to become confused by it all.

We are taught that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved; that love will find away; that if someone loves you they will do [fill in the blank].

Sigh.

No one really likes to discuss the hard part about relationship or even how every relationship has a different course.

I recall when the popular craze about how to know if a guy is into you was all the rage. I remember trying to pinpoint things that expressly signified that Mr. was into me.

I often came up short, or at least with a mixed message.

Needless to say…I became confused!

The researcher in me now knows the fallacies in the popular arguments about how to tell if someone is into you or not…but at that time I just knew that these articles, books, movies would provide the answers that I oh so desperately needed.

I’ve loved before, it wasn’t all sunshine and smiles. For a fact, it was downright difficult to love – for me!

Be easy, I’ll explain! Loving someone romantically often led to me thinking of that person and considering their opinion.

Yeah! That was no fun and far from any vision I had of myself.

The love was reciprocal; although, even that was difficult – for me!

I didn’t know how to let myself be loved. I mean, this person had no obligation to care for my wellbeing so I often wondered why? I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what’s the catch?

I’m not suggesting that I am by anyway unworthy of love; however, along with those messages I subconsciously picked up about love – I also learned that no one just does something without wanting something else.

I’m sure you’ve been privy to those messages also. They are also in our television, movies, books, and conversations.

I didn’t know at the time why I continually questioned the validity and reliability of the love being given to me. I understand more now.

Thankfully, I decided to get to know myself more without the pressure of improving my relationship or my ability to accept love.

I simply desired to be a better version of me. This is why I am acutely aware of the messaging we receive in so many facets of life.

At the moment, I love someone romantically, and I’ve loved this person for quite sometime. I am careful about what messaging I allow to enter into my relationship.

Some times I find myself searching the web for someone’s opinion on relationships or specific questions pertaining to the relationship.

Without fail, I leave that search I thinking oh this individual might love me or he might not.

I also leave those searches thinking that I might have low self esteem and need a swift intervention or I might be a strong independent woman who knows what she wants out of a relationship.

After I stop stressing over my internet search (yes, as intelligent as I am – an internet search knocks me off of my sanity rocket) I remember that although the information presented by all of these great minds is good in its own niche – none of the authors are able to generalize my relationship because everyone is unique.

Don’t get it twisted…I do appreciate advice but I refuse to be consumed by the advice.

I am unique, with an interesting set of characteristics & the Individual I love is unique also.

It’s important that I don’t cheapen our relationship with the confusion that is the opinion of others.

Where’s my fairy godmother with her wand of happily ever after? Romantic relationships would be so much easier that way!