Tag: disease

Getting to know you

It’s certainly difficult to get to know another…well at least this is a difficult thing for me.

I’m as closed as I am open…what???

I share many things about myself, yet when another thinks of me they often conclude that they don’t really know anything about me.

I tend to have a high level of distrust for others and this makes it difficult for others to get to know me

However, there’s a few people who really know me…usually these are individuals who I automatically click with.

I refer to all of these individuals as my best friends because each of them play a certain, specific role in my life

I’m thankful for these people and they are highlights in my life.

If you’re someone who feels that it’s nearly impossible for others to get to know you, rest assured that there’s some individuals out there who will get to know you.

If people can get to know me, there’s certainly hope.

Rest required

I have a few chronic illnesses, some that I’ve written about in the past…it doesn’t matter what they are, just know that they exist and they impact every facet of my life.

I recently defended my dissertation (Yay Me!!!) now it is time to focus on job hunting (Why me?) and this is where chronic illness is front and center.

So I’ve lived with these chronic illnesses for many years and I’ve achieved my educational goals…although things never went smoothly…and now I’m exhausted

I have important people to contact, cover letters to compose, and applications to complete…but I’m tired.

I’m not only tired from the arduous process that is a doctoral program…my chronic illnesses are screaming at me to pause temporarily.

My chronic illnesses are suggesting that I breathe, meditate, then rest. Sigh.

As many of you know, application deadlines and all the many things necessary for getting a job fails to account for the fact that your (my) chronic illnesses demand that I rest.

Some of you may even go so far as to say, if I need rest during the application process, I’m likely not able to do the job for which I am applying.

Then there’s others who would say that the PhD process is tedious and the typical person would need a break, so it’s not unusual that I need a break…in the form of a short rest.

The problem I often face as a result of being chronically ill is that I wonder if I’m being lazy or I really need the rest.

Those closest to me suggest that I simply need the rest, but even that’s not always convincing enough to stop my negative self talk

As someone with chronic illnesses, it is hard enough to deal with some outsider suggesting that you are lazy, incompetent and yet many of us, myself included engage in negative self talk when our bodies demand self-care.

I am someone who possesses chronic illnesses, but I’m also more than that. I am someone who needs accommodations, but I’m also more than that. I am more than any identifier I possess…if only I consistently believed that.

Flares

Flares – how appropriate is this word for the unpredictable, destructive way endometriosis and similar chronic pain disorders interrupt your life.

Like a flare of fire even if you avoid looking at it, the heat still makes it known. With endometriosis I often refuse to pay attention to the outrageous pain…yet it continues.

(more…)

Not again…The reality of finding physicians

Since my childhood I’ve managed to have really good, attentive physicians…this was priceless since I had many mysterious and/or chronic ailments.

Even at birth, I required specialized medical care.

Well, I’m an adult now – my childhood and teenaged years , and twenties are things of the past now.

I’m in one of what will likely be many awkward transition phases of life. The place I’m at now is not my home and I’ll likely be somewhere else next year this time.

That brings me back to doctors! As I’ve expressed before I have endometriosis and several of its sister/cousin ailments…my body also possesses some unlikely ailments.

In the ideal world I would be managing these ailments under the care of a physician…but in my reality, I haven’t went to a physician in months

I spent a lot of time at doctors’ offices and in waiting rooms…so now I’m more hesitant about going and I’m more willing to suffer in silence.

Trust me I know this isn’t smart but I’m tired of doctors. I don’t want to build rapport with anyone, let alone another physician

Especially since this relationship will be short lived

The problem is that endometriosis and the various ailments are getting the best of me.

I don’t know how to start finding a good doctor…my last doctors just kind of feel into my lap and they were wonderful

Due to my latest relocation and insurance network – going to these physicians is impossible.

How do I motivate myself to find a doctor to treat the ailments I’ve been suffering unnecessarily with?

Is it even worth it to start another relationship with another doctor ?

Endometriosis…beginningsĀ 

I felt the presence of endometriosis in my body during my SECOND EVER menstrual period, I was nearly 12. Once I turned 12, I started my first set of birth control pills in an effort to address the menstrual related problems I was having…birth control pills didn’t help so I was referred to a gynecologist. In the referral documents, the pediatrician suggested endometriosis as my potential ailment.

I was so young at the time so the gynecologist tried a few other birth control pills and patches before deciding on the exploratory surgery. The surgery would confirm or deny the suspected diagnosis of endometriosis.

I was 14 when it was surgically confirmed that I indeed had a pretty bad (in terms of location and size of lesions) case of endometriosis.

For a moment, I was relieved…there was a medical reason for why I missed so much school and missed out on hanging with my peers that was no longer a mystery, it was endometriosis.

Then I remembered that my doctors told me that endometriosis had no cure. My relief flew out the window because now with diagnosis, I was the sick one.

Before the diagnosis I was just an adolescent who didn’t like school and made “excuses” not to go or to leave early in the day. After diagnosis, I had an incurable disease and no guaranteed surgical or medical relief. 

Endometriosis officially made me the sick one…as an adolescent this was torture.