Tag: depression

Flares

Flares – how appropriate is this word for the unpredictable, destructive way endometriosis and similar chronic pain disorders interrupt your life.

Like a flare of fire even if you avoid looking at it, the heat still makes it known. With endometriosis I often refuse to pay attention to the outrageous pain…yet it continues.

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Endometriosis complications 

If I had my way I wouldn’t have endometriosis, who would ever if given the choice? But I do have endometriosis and it has impacted every area of my life. I appreciate hearing about people who accomplished societal success, all while having endometriosis, but I’m also saddened by this news because I start judging myself harshly….what have I accomplished? How can I blame endometriosis for some of my success shortcomings when that individual I’m reading about has accomplished so much while having the same disease? 

So to get myself out of my conflicting thoughts I read about how endometriosis impacts everyone differently and blah, blah, blah. This works momentarily, until I read about someone with some other life altering illness who is successful according to society’s standards. Then the self judgment starts again – what is my excuse? I’m just a failing failure.

Ok so I know that this line of reasoning is unreasonable and utterly ridiculous but in that moment when I am judging myself so harshly for how I’m comparing my plight with someone else’s, this reasoning feels like the truest truth I’ve ever told myself.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis nearly two decades ago but it’s no easier to handle now than it was when I was a scared adolescent thinking I had some terminal illness in my stomach.

One thing I know for certain is that the quickest road to depression is to compare yourself to another. 

I’ll never be thankful for having endometriosis but I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned while dealing with this horrible disease. I believe I could’ve learned these lessons another less humiliatingly painful way but I didn’t choose the body I was born into or the diseases that occupied it

Depression Was Once My Significant Other

In the not so distant past I had an on and off again relationship with Depression. Somewhere along the way I met Depression’s cousin Melancholy. I’ll introduce you to her later.

First, let me tell you about Depression, he was definitely a character. Depression presented himself as the perfect romantic mate for me. It depends on who you ask but we were great together…I hope that you are well aware that in the beginning of most relationships there are fireworks, sunshine, butterflies and smiles. My relationship with Depression was no different.

Depression was always there for me and he never questioned my lack of luster for life. He accepted me exactly the way I wanted to be accepted. It didn’t matter if I wanted to stay in everyday and away from others, he accepted me. He was never jealous when I chose food as a means of comfort, for a fact he encouraged me to bury my emotions in whatever method I chose…food, alcohol, stagnation, etc.

As much as Depression didn’t mind me entertaining food, alcohol, etc…he cared little for my friends and family. Yeah, my friends and family were not welcomed in my life because Depression could take care of me. Naively, I thought this meant that Depression loved me…he wanted me to himself, isn’t that romantic?

I remember the times that physicians would mention therapy or medication so that I could end my relationship with Depression. I’m sure you can guess how Depression felt every time some licensed individual would tell me that I needed to get rid of him. Let’s just say that he didn’t like it very much! 

Remember I felt loved by Depression and he never tried to change me, so I had a problem when these people wanted to take him from my life too. I’d grown accustomed to Depression being with me all the time and was unsure how I would be without him.

I mean when people saw me, they saw Depression too. He was my security blanket and he loved me.

However, once the doctors and therapists started suggesting that I rid myself of Depression I noticed that he had removed my loved ones from my life and made me codependent on him. 

How was I supposed to go back to my family and friends after I dismissed them to keep Depression happy? Depression told me that my loved ones didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and I needed him. He said that they would all laugh at me if I suddenly invited them back into my life. Additionally, he reminded me that he was the only one who stuck with me and I needed him to survive.

Being the halfway intelligent person that I am, I thought that maybe the clinicians had a point. I couldn’t figure out why they were so focused on my relationship with Depression but I refused to simply ignore their cautionary advice.

Depression was still ALWAYS with me so it was really hard to have a private thought about ending my relationship with him…he loved whispering sweet nothings in my ear every chance he could.

Sweet nothings? You know like telling me how beautiful I was not, reminding me that I had nothing to offer to anyone, oh he also told me my life was worthless and I was easily forgettable. Well those are some of the sweet nothings that the one who I knew loved me also known as Depression told me.

At one point I questioned Depression and asked if he really loved me just as I am. This angered him because it was the first time I showed any inkling of falling out of love with him. But as I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone who has been in an on and off again relationship; Depression begged me to give him another chance and reminded me of how we were a team…we belonged together

Sigh, this time I couldn’t take Depression back, although I missed many of the comforts I had with him. You know we had been together for years and although I didn’t want him anymore, I wanted something similar…

That’s when I met his cousin Melancholy. We were instant pals, she was my Best(est) friend, until she wasn’t.

One day I’ll tell you about my friendship with Melancholy…she is definitely related to Depression but not the same.