Who You Are

When I spend time with others, my self perception changes.

Not in the sense that I’m easily influenced, but momentarily I see myself through their eyes.

Who are you to others? Often my self-image is tarnished by my experiences and emotions – both of those are dynamic. On the other hand, how others familiar with me see me is often constant…I assume.

My siblings think of me as intelligent, quirky, and dependable. Members of the assembly I frequent, think of me as bold, anointed, and smart. My parents think I am kind, weird, and resourceful. My colleagues think I am intelligent, reserved, and mysterious. I could go on but you get it! I’ve been told these things but how I think of myself changes like my mood.

Hmm, who am I? Who are you?

Should I know?

One decade ago if you asked me what I wanted to do for a career, I would answer confidently.

Now as I prepare to enter the next phase of my career preparation – I cannot answer that question quite as confidently.

It’s not that I changed oh so much during the latest decade; however, I have matured and the world that I live in appears different.

I say the world appears different, not that it is different because I’m unsure if only my perspective has changed which impacts the way I see the world or if it’s different.

I know what I like and I know what I would like to do; however, I lack the tidy explanation I once had about what I want to do as a career.

In the past, I would say I wanted to become an Insert Title Here…now I have descriptors.

I would be much more comfortable with a tidy title as a response to the career questions

Should I know?

One decade ago if you asked me what I wanted to do for a career, I would answer confidently.

Now as I prepare to enter the next phase of my career preparation – I cannot answer that question quite as confidently.

It’s not that I changed oh so much during the latest decade; however, I have matured and the world that I live in appears different.

I say the world appears different, not that it is different because I’m unsure if only my perspective has changed which impacts the way I see the world or if it’s different.

I know what I like and I know what I would like to do; however, I lack the tidy explanation I once had about what I want to do as a career.

In the past, I would say I wanted to become an Insert Title Here…now I have descriptors.

I would be much more comfortable with a tidy title as a response to the career questions

Friends, I have them!

I am honored to have friends.

There was a time when I may have had A friend, but definitely not many friends.

Currently, I struggle to develop lasting relationships with others.

Thankfully, those whom I consider friends looked over my tendency to keep people at a distance…and they slowly became my long term friends

Stay Focus

Stay focus, those were the last words a loved one spoke to me.

At the time, I thought it was odd because I was at the beginning of my long educational journey that would ultimately lead to a PhD

The young, naive individual that I was at the time wanted to tell this loved one to open their eyes…so they would see that I AM FOCUSED.

(more…)

Emotional Captivity

I warn myself – It’s Not Safe to be Vulnerable.

I ask myself – Why is it Unsafe to be Vulnerable?

I sense somewhere deep within that I need to be vulnerable

At least I need to be vulnerable with this individual whom on my days of clarity I love very much.

I find anecdotal evidence to support the anxious thoughts I have about vulnerabilities

I even find ways to suggest that being vulnerable with this person is far more dangerous than it is

Through the years I’ve created an emotional prison. I built walls around my heart in an attempt to protect it from the hurt I’ve witnessed others experience

Yes there were times that I’d allow extended visits to my heart so some have had access to it

But I have always been in an emotional prison of my own creation

Sigh.

Now I have to destroy the prison I created because my desire to fully love outweighs my urge to protect myself

I let this person have an extended visit with my heart and my heart enjoyed it very much

But then my mind reminded of the possibility of being hurt and I denied this person any future visits

Now it is time for my release from the prison and all I can remember is those moments that my heart felt free even while I was yet captive

This person makes me want to be free from all undue pain

This person makes me want to destroy my emotional prison and redefine what it really means to be safe.

Emotional captivity has cost me a lot, but now I’m ready to be vulnerable

Although I’m afraid of living outside of my self-made emotional prison.