I Think I Can

I should graduate from my doctoral program May 2018; but there’s so many changes that will happen before that day.

Health, illness has caused major delays in my original plans but I’ve made progress also. If you’ve read my posts, you know that I have endometriosis and I’ve known for awhile.

I had a dream to receive a PhD so that I could not only teach at the postsecondary level, but so I could help others reach their goals. Believe me when I say that I don’t believe you need fancy degrees to help people and you certainly don’t need a PhD; however, there are some levels of access that are denied to many without the fancy degrees.

My pursuit of this degree is not for reasons of vanity but lies in the fact that it inspires many. Many groups are still underrepresented in the halls of academia so it’s not shocking that some individuals from those groups feel that dreams of having fancy degrees are just that, dreams. I am and will always be a symbol that those dreams don’t have to remain dreams. I look to inspire at least one person to pursue her dreams.

I am representing many underrepresented groups…I think I can achieve my dream of obtaining this fancy degree I’m in pursuit of in spite of the seen and unseen obstacles in my way.

Often I have to encourage myself to keep going because it feels like an uphill battle…but in a little over one year this battle will be won and I’ll prepare for the next one.

I believe I can do this and that’s a major part of the battle.

Endometriosis Fears

Being diagnosed with endometriosis in my adolescence was a blessing and a curse. I was glad to know that there was something wrong and it had a name. I was excited because I finally knew that I did not make up the pain; it was definitively real…with a name.

It didn’t take long for me to receive my diagnosis, considering that many individuals go years without a proper diagnosis. Endometriosis was always the suspected diagnosis from the very first time I experienced pain. The only delay in diagnosis was due to my age, my doctor didn’t want to subject me to an unnecessary surgery. We waited 1 1/2 years before surgery while trying oral contraceptives and so I could become an “official” teenager.

Once the official diagnosis came it was also a curse because I instantly developed fears about my future fertility and my future career.

I automatically assumed I was infertile and that NO man would want a woman who couldn’t bear his children. After reading information about endometriosis – most of which was provided by or recommended by my physician; I feared that I would never have a successful career either.

These thoughts, fears were compounded by my very premature mind, I was only a teenager – barely -and I tried to deal with a very mature problem. I wasn’t dying, but I often felt like dying was a far cry better than living In constant pain.

Today, I’m learning to put the brakes on as far as my fertility and career goes. No reason to worry about things that are not at the forefront. I’m currently working toward the career that I’ve always wanted and I’ve never tried to conceive so who knows what the future holds

Fruit

Why do I not live in a place where fruits and vegetables are always in season? Many of my favorite foods are vegetables but so far frozen vegetables come up short. Sigh

Endometriosis…beginningsĀ 

I felt the presence of endometriosis in my body during my SECOND EVER menstrual period, I was nearly 12. Once I turned 12, I started my first set of birth control pills in an effort to address the menstrual related problems I was having…birth control pills didn’t help so I was referred to a gynecologist. In the referral documents, the pediatrician suggested endometriosis as my potential ailment.

I was so young at the time so the gynecologist tried a few other birth control pills and patches before deciding on the exploratory surgery. The surgery would confirm or deny the suspected diagnosis of endometriosis.

I was 14 when it was surgically confirmed that I indeed had a pretty bad (in terms of location and size of lesions) case of endometriosis.

For a moment, I was relieved…there was a medical reason for why I missed so much school and missed out on hanging with my peers that was no longer a mystery, it was endometriosis.

Then I remembered that my doctors told me that endometriosis had no cure. My relief flew out the window because now with diagnosis, I was the sick one.

Before the diagnosis I was just an adolescent who didn’t like school and made “excuses” not to go or to leave early in the day. After diagnosis, I had an incurable disease and no guaranteed surgical or medical relief. 

Endometriosis officially made me the sick one…as an adolescent this was torture.

Thank you for the views, likes and comments. I most certainly appreciate it all more than words could quantify.

Depression Was Once My Significant Other

In the not so distant past I had an on and off again relationship with Depression. Somewhere along the way I met Depression’s cousin Melancholy. I’ll introduce you to her later.

First, let me tell you about Depression, he was definitely a character. Depression presented himself as the perfect romantic mate for me. It depends on who you ask but we were great together…I hope that you are well aware that in the beginning of most relationships there are fireworks, sunshine, butterflies and smiles. My relationship with Depression was no different.

Depression was always there for me and he never questioned my lack of luster for life. He accepted me exactly the way I wanted to be accepted. It didn’t matter if I wanted to stay in everyday and away from others, he accepted me. He was never jealous when I chose food as a means of comfort, for a fact he encouraged me to bury my emotions in whatever method I chose…food, alcohol, stagnation, etc.

As much as Depression didn’t mind me entertaining food, alcohol, etc…he cared little for my friends and family. Yeah, my friends and family were not welcomed in my life because Depression could take care of me. Naively, I thought this meant that Depression loved me…he wanted me to himself, isn’t that romantic?

I remember the times that physicians would mention therapy or medication so that I could end my relationship with Depression. I’m sure you can guess how Depression felt every time some licensed individual would tell me that I needed to get rid of him. Let’s just say that he didn’t like it very much! 

Remember I felt loved by Depression and he never tried to change me, so I had a problem when these people wanted to take him from my life too. I’d grown accustomed to Depression being with me all the time and was unsure how I would be without him.

I mean when people saw me, they saw Depression too. He was my security blanket and he loved me.

However, once the doctors and therapists started suggesting that I rid myself of Depression I noticed that he had removed my loved ones from my life and made me codependent on him. 

How was I supposed to go back to my family and friends after I dismissed them to keep Depression happy? Depression told me that my loved ones didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and I needed him. He said that they would all laugh at me if I suddenly invited them back into my life. Additionally, he reminded me that he was the only one who stuck with me and I needed him to survive.

Being the halfway intelligent person that I am, I thought that maybe the clinicians had a point. I couldn’t figure out why they were so focused on my relationship with Depression but I refused to simply ignore their cautionary advice.

Depression was still ALWAYS with me so it was really hard to have a private thought about ending my relationship with him…he loved whispering sweet nothings in my ear every chance he could.

Sweet nothings? You know like telling me how beautiful I was not, reminding me that I had nothing to offer to anyone, oh he also told me my life was worthless and I was easily forgettable. Well those are some of the sweet nothings that the one who I knew loved me also known as Depression told me.

At one point I questioned Depression and asked if he really loved me just as I am. This angered him because it was the first time I showed any inkling of falling out of love with him. But as I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone who has been in an on and off again relationship; Depression begged me to give him another chance and reminded me of how we were a team…we belonged together

Sigh, this time I couldn’t take Depression back, although I missed many of the comforts I had with him. You know we had been together for years and although I didn’t want him anymore, I wanted something similar…

That’s when I met his cousin Melancholy. We were instant pals, she was my Best(est) friend, until she wasn’t.

One day I’ll tell you about my friendship with Melancholy…she is definitely related to Depression but not the same. 

HilariousĀ 

While reading posts, I was ready to like one…then I noticed it was an old post of mine and I needed to refresh the screen! I don’t post often but some of my posts are poetry…is that narcissistic?