Category: Uncategorized

Waiting

Waiting…I could be better at this. My waiting game could definitely be improved, a lot!

Now as I wait for direction on how to proceed in my job search, I grow impatient. I developed several excuses of why my impatience is justified.

Seriously, I have debts…enough said. My residence is not my own, therefore, I fail to have my own space. There are personal items that I need to function in daily life…I am an adult. I am supposed to furnish these items and take care of these debts on my own. Trust me when I suggest that I have many reasons to justify my impatience.

BUT! Justification or not, I am in a period of waiting…waiting sucks! My needs are being met during this time so honestly, my justifications for impatience are a bit weak; however, I am struggling (MENTALLY) as I wait.

Patience is one of those things that I can only tend to find when I am teaching, counseling, or advising. Do you notice something about those things? I find patience for OTHERS but rarely for myself. IF someone takes a little longer or even a lot longer to grasp a concept, my patience is beautiful – for a fact, many people would be shocked to know that I have ZERO patience with myself and/or my journey.

I am not sure how I actually completed the doctoral program…it did require a lot of patience, but it was also formulaic. I knew what was next and what had to be achieved in order to reach the final milestone of the program. I need to locate the patience I had with the program as I WAIT for what to do next.

My brain is less foggy since completing the program, so I know that this time of “rest” has been good for me. I put rest in quotes because I’ve never been particularly good at resting. I have a bad habit of filling my rest time with activities, so yeah…it’s not complete rest.

Waiting.

I am able to wait in a long line patiently or even to wait in the waiting room at a medical facility, but waiting to figure out what my next move will be is torturous.

I’ve lived my life filled with plans and now I do not have a plan. Yes, these plans never quite worked out but it was comforting for me to have said plans. Now I do not have a plan and I am working on this whole “living in the present” thing while I wait.

Waiting.

There are several things that I could do during this time. I could easily do a job just because I need the money…but here’s the thing I do not like to leave things without finishing what I started. Also, I really do need to wait until the last of the post-doctoral program brain fog dissipates in the name of self-care.

Waiting sucks but I imagine that soon this transitional time will pay off for me. I have to listen to my intuition, my voice in my head, the higher power, the universe, God, or whatever you may call it so that means that I wait.

Stay tuned…the waiting will be over soon.

Romantic relationship role models

Ok that’s a mouthful but coming of age I did not have couples that I could model my future romantic relationships after. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that everyone around me were in bad or toxic romantic relationships; but, I am suggesting that I didn’t see enough of any romantic relationship that would eventually serve as a model.

This is partially because I was raised under the ideology that “children should stay in their place” which led to me never really knowing anything that was happening in the adult world.

For much of my youth, outside of weddings or other special occasions I didn’t observe adult couples being affectionate. Occasionally, I eavesdropped enough to hear the adults discuss finances or household responsibilities that were often gendered based.

Until I was an adult, I don’t recall my parents ever having date night and I definitely never heard about how any of the adult couples came to be a couple!

I can’t tell you how my parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles met their romantic partners. It’s funny. I watch a lot of cheesy romance movies on a popular television network that’s known for the cheesy!

I am glad that the adult couples I observed when I was coming of age didn’t try to present the cheesy television network’s version of romantic relationships; however, I do wish I would’ve received a more full picture of romantic relationships.

Fortunately, I know that even if I observed a detailed version of romantic relationships when I was growing up; I would still have many of the same issues. Quite frankly, every relationship is different and the individuals in the relationship are unique; therefore, no roadmap or model would ease my issues with relationships.

I do believe that the privilege of observing real life romantic relationships can help or hurt your development as far as your receptiveness to love is concerned…but I know that relationships take work regardless of your starting position!

Some people have a healthier idea of relationships than others. Others have fanciful ideas of relationships and then there’s people like me who are simply going with the flow because we really don’t know!!!

It’s ok to not know what you’re doing in your romantic relationship – no one really does or else there wouldn’t be so much “help” available for our consumption!

If this love is real, my relationship looks like…

Many of us are led to believe that there’s someone out there for us; waiting to embark on an adventurous romantic relationship with us.

There are so many popularly held beliefs about love that it’s easy to become confused by it all.

We are taught that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved; that love will find away; that if someone loves you they will do [fill in the blank].

Sigh.

No one really likes to discuss the hard part about relationship or even how every relationship has a different course.

I recall when the popular craze about how to know if a guy is into you was all the rage. I remember trying to pinpoint things that expressly signified that Mr. was into me.

I often came up short, or at least with a mixed message.

Needless to say…I became confused!

The researcher in me now knows the fallacies in the popular arguments about how to tell if someone is into you or not…but at that time I just knew that these articles, books, movies would provide the answers that I oh so desperately needed.

I’ve loved before, it wasn’t all sunshine and smiles. For a fact, it was downright difficult to love – for me!

Be easy, I’ll explain! Loving someone romantically often led to me thinking of that person and considering their opinion.

Yeah! That was no fun and far from any vision I had of myself.

The love was reciprocal; although, even that was difficult – for me!

I didn’t know how to let myself be loved. I mean, this person had no obligation to care for my wellbeing so I often wondered why? I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what’s the catch?

I’m not suggesting that I am by anyway unworthy of love; however, along with those messages I subconsciously picked up about love – I also learned that no one just does something without wanting something else.

I’m sure you’ve been privy to those messages also. They are also in our television, movies, books, and conversations.

I didn’t know at the time why I continually questioned the validity and reliability of the love being given to me. I understand more now.

Thankfully, I decided to get to know myself more without the pressure of improving my relationship or my ability to accept love.

I simply desired to be a better version of me. This is why I am acutely aware of the messaging we receive in so many facets of life.

At the moment, I love someone romantically, and I’ve loved this person for quite sometime. I am careful about what messaging I allow to enter into my relationship.

Some times I find myself searching the web for someone’s opinion on relationships or specific questions pertaining to the relationship.

Without fail, I leave that search I thinking oh this individual might love me or he might not.

I also leave those searches thinking that I might have low self esteem and need a swift intervention or I might be a strong independent woman who knows what she wants out of a relationship.

After I stop stressing over my internet search (yes, as intelligent as I am – an internet search knocks me off of my sanity rocket) I remember that although the information presented by all of these great minds is good in its own niche – none of the authors are able to generalize my relationship because everyone is unique.

Don’t get it twisted…I do appreciate advice but I refuse to be consumed by the advice.

I am unique, with an interesting set of characteristics & the Individual I love is unique also.

It’s important that I don’t cheapen our relationship with the confusion that is the opinion of others.

Where’s my fairy godmother with her wand of happily ever after? Romantic relationships would be so much easier that way!

Yay!!! Good news

My nephew was selected as a member of the elementary school’s math league; he’s 9 years old and this is a big deal.

I read a lot of disheartening news and since I’m actively looking for work, that in itself is disheartening at times…so the news of my nephew being selected as a member of the elementary math league brightened my day

I am also thankful that I am blessed with the ability to help him prepare.

That is all!

Finding My Niche…

Hello everyone!

I hope that life is treating you kind. It’s official, I finished school one month ago. I have the degree in the closet to prove that I am finished. I am not stressing over completing my dissertation or any of the other annoying things that come along with a doctoral degree in the United States.

I’ve traded that stress in for the stress of the job hunt. I cannot say that it is going bad because frankly, I am so exhausted from all of those years of preparing for a job (career) that I am acutely aware of the type of jobs I will entertain.

One issue with having a PhD is that one has to mention it on resumes, especially if there is a gap in employment. Hmm…I sure some of you are wondering, Why would anyone leave the PhD off of their resume? It is not a matter of shame; although, depending on how much headache and heartache your PhD process was, it may feel a bit shameful or at the very least like something you’d wish to temporarily forget! However, it is usually because of the perceptions others have of the PhD.

Of course, it goes without saying that the PhD is a research doctorate and many individuals dream of pursuing a research career upon completion. PhDs are often prepared to enter academic positions based on the skills and knowledge obtained through the process. There are not enough tenure track positions for everyone and many PhDs realize they are not remotely interested in academic positions.

Many of us who suffered through the PhD process, have a least one course that includes writing or submitting an academic CV; but, we rarely are ask to write a resume using the transferable skills necessary for alternative academic and industry careers.

One of the things I do is help individuals write resumes and academic CVs and if I do say so myself, I do this very well. The individuals I help write resumes range from people who never graduated high school to individuals who have doctoral degrees. I’ve assisted many of the individuals with doctoral degrees with both resumes and academic CVs – they tend to have a better grasp of the academic CV.

I enjoy coaching people on how to write resumes, academic CVs, personal statements, teaching philosophies, and research philosophies and also just writing effectively so I find myself doing this a lot.

I heard someone that individuals should look at the things they do the most and are naturally inclined to do when they are considering what they should do for a career…well none of the things I am naturally inclined to do are directly related to my PhD. I believe this is common in many people with PhDs; however, that does not mean that the PhD is worthless.

It is important to understand that regardless of your educational background how you use the skills, knowledge and values you obtained will look different. I enjoy editing and consulting…those skills were refined during my PhD program. I enjoy research and that was definitely refined.

My goal is to convey through a few lines on a piece of paper who I am and what I have to offer an employer without being overshadowed by the perceptions of the PhD.

As my tagline on this blog states – I am more than my attributes and my attributes are great!