Thanks for joining me! Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak WaltonThe Journey Begins
He’s the one who knows me best. He’s the one I desire when anything noteworthy occurs in my life. Yet, he’s the one I lash out at when I’m internally upset about things that he has nothing to do with. What exactly do I expect him to do? Why am I being so unfair? Why must I unrealistically expect him to drop his personal life situations and handle mine?
How many times will I apologize for my unfair, biased approach to our relationship, friendship? Why do I attempt to justify my wrongs with what I consider his wrongs? I should just accept my wrongs as my own and work on myself because that’s what I can do.
I annoy myself and I must improve my communication.
It’s been weeks since I posted or read any blog posts! All is well in my life; I’ve considered getting rid of this blog. Not sure I’ll keep up with it much anymore.
I hope everyone is well! Thanks for following my blog…
He is someone beautiful. Yes, beautiful because his beauty goes beyond the descriptors – fine, handsome, and gorgeous.
Certainly, he is aesthetically pleasing and that is the reason our first conversation came to life.
Oh, I don’t pretend to not notice the attractiveness of others. I must be physically attracted to someone before I embark on any sort of romantic relationship with him.
Please believe physical attraction isn’t enough to make me stop and stay awhile; however, it’s enough to make me pause and see if I want to stay.
That’s why he’s beautiful. He checked off all of my imaginary criteria boxes for things I desired in a man’s aesthetics. I’ve stayed a long time now, so it’s no secret that his personality, charm, and perspective enthused me in a way that no man ever has.
He is beautiful, one of a kind, and I’m grateful to know him. Mmhmm
Those who know me in real life are well aware that I shy away from romantic relationships.
In all honesty, I often miss the clues individuals utilize to express their interest in me…therefore I miss opportunities to even engage in many romantic relationships.
I’m one of those people who hyper focuses on one goal and loses sight of the big picture.
Even with all of those personal flaws or quirks (depending on who you ask) I’ve managed to fall in love and experience a romantic relationship.
Laugh, you know those quirks I mentioned earlier? They didn’t go away once I entered a romantic relationship, and they complicated things.
I’ve mentioned before that if I was born 15 years later than I was, there’s a high likelihood I would’ve been labeled as being somewhere on the Aspergers Spectrum.
That is not an insult to those who are on the spectrum, neither is it my attempt to make light of a serious issue.
I was born at the wrong time and in the wrong location and definitely in the wrong socioeconomic class for anyone of influence to flag my tendencies as different.
Enough of that.
I’m an adult now and I am still perplexed by romantic relationships. A part of me truly believed they are an utter waste of time and energy. While there’s another part of me that feels like romantic relationships are enticingly beautiful.
I still leave something to be desired when it comes to romantic relationships. I often have to be told what it is my partner desires from me and that can be annoying.
Oh I don’t mean they have to tell me something grand, no they have to tell me “amber I would like for you to hug me and not seem like I’m on fire and you’re afraid to catch it” haha! That was an odd moment, but I do have a tendency to hurry hugs.
I do have to work hard in romantic relationships and I still don’t know if they’re worth it. It seems like a lot of work with little benefits.
I’ve read that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. That sounds like something someone makes up while they are trying to recover from a breakup or worse, unrequited love.
I’ve loved a time or two. I’ve lost a time or two; in regards to love. I’ve even had the pleasure of experiencing unrequited love. For those reasons I’m not sure it’s better to have loved.
In many ways, I think I could’ve been ok without every experiencing love like that. But then again, I could just be recovering from a breakup or unrequited love!
I don’t know what I think about love, at this phase in my life. I do know that I employ too many fantastical ideas about love and relationships.
I do know that I stick with a person well past the expiration date. I do this in all of my relationships, romantic, familial, and platonic.
Please don’t tell me that familial relationships do not expire! I’m not suggesting that we will quit being family but I am suggesting that the dynamics change. Familiar relationships take work to maintain just like all other relationships.
Love, romantic love, is something I vowed to never do! I was uninterested of putting my heart out there and exposing my emotions. I was adamantly against ever falling in love.
Some people have said that the thing you’re most against is the thing that you will run into or at least find yourself doing. Well! I didn’t listen to that sage advice.
I looked up one day and realized I was in love with an amazing individual. Yes, he was and is and likely always will be amazing. I did not want to fall in love with him and I questioned the validity of my love for a long time.
I bet you’re wondering why I don’t believe that it’s better to have loved since I still still speak highly of the one I loved?
Well although my life improved drastically with his presence, I don’t know that I’d want to experience the vulnerabilities associated with falling in love all over again.
I don’t know if it was necessary.
If I seem confused, I’m not; however, I am still struggling with the vulnerability associated with falling in love.
I’ll never speak badly about this man, it’s really not about him. It’s about me and the complexities of my emotions.
You won’t catch me truthfully singing that I feel like falling in love
Thank you everyone for reading and liking my posts! Also thank you for following my blog!
I certainly appreciate your support!!!
Things won’t be like this always
Waiting…I could be better at this. My waiting game could definitely be improved, a lot!
Now as I wait for direction on how to proceed in my job search, I grow impatient. I developed several excuses of why my impatience is justified.
Seriously, I have debts…enough said. My residence is not my own, therefore, I fail to have my own space. There are personal items that I need to function in daily life…I am an adult. I am supposed to furnish these items and take care of these debts on my own. Trust me when I suggest that I have many reasons to justify my impatience.
BUT! Justification or not, I am in a period of waiting…waiting sucks! My needs are being met during this time so honestly, my justifications for impatience are a bit weak; however, I am struggling (MENTALLY) as I wait.
Patience is one of those things that I can only tend to find when I am teaching, counseling, or advising. Do you notice something about those things? I find patience for OTHERS but rarely for myself. IF someone takes a little longer or even a lot longer to grasp a concept, my patience is beautiful – for a fact, many people would be shocked to know that I have ZERO patience with myself and/or my journey.
I am not sure how I actually completed the doctoral program…it did require a lot of patience, but it was also formulaic. I knew what was next and what had to be achieved in order to reach the final milestone of the program. I need to locate the patience I had with the program as I WAIT for what to do next.
My brain is less foggy since completing the program, so I know that this time of “rest” has been good for me. I put rest in quotes because I’ve never been particularly good at resting. I have a bad habit of filling my rest time with activities, so yeah…it’s not complete rest.
I am able to wait in a long line patiently or even to wait in the waiting room at a medical facility, but waiting to figure out what my next move will be is torturous.
I’ve lived my life filled with plans and now I do not have a plan. Yes, these plans never quite worked out but it was comforting for me to have said plans. Now I do not have a plan and I am working on this whole “living in the present” thing while I wait.
There are several things that I could do during this time. I could easily do a job just because I need the money…but here’s the thing I do not like to leave things without finishing what I started. Also, I really do need to wait until the last of the post-doctoral program brain fog dissipates in the name of self-care.
Waiting sucks but I imagine that soon this transitional time will pay off for me. I have to listen to my intuition, my voice in my head, the higher power, the universe, God, or whatever you may call it so that means that I wait.
Stay tuned…the waiting will be over soon.
Ok that’s a mouthful but coming of age I did not have couples that I could model my future romantic relationships after. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that everyone around me were in bad or toxic romantic relationships; but, I am suggesting that I didn’t see enough of any romantic relationship that would eventually serve as a model.
This is partially because I was raised under the ideology that “children should stay in their place” which led to me never really knowing anything that was happening in the adult world.
For much of my youth, outside of weddings or other special occasions I didn’t observe adult couples being affectionate. Occasionally, I eavesdropped enough to hear the adults discuss finances or household responsibilities that were often gendered based.
Until I was an adult, I don’t recall my parents ever having date night and I definitely never heard about how any of the adult couples came to be a couple!
I can’t tell you how my parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles met their romantic partners. It’s funny. I watch a lot of cheesy romance movies on a popular television network that’s known for the cheesy!
I am glad that the adult couples I observed when I was coming of age didn’t try to present the cheesy television network’s version of romantic relationships; however, I do wish I would’ve received a more full picture of romantic relationships.
Fortunately, I know that even if I observed a detailed version of romantic relationships when I was growing up; I would still have many of the same issues. Quite frankly, every relationship is different and the individuals in the relationship are unique; therefore, no roadmap or model would ease my issues with relationships.
I do believe that the privilege of observing real life romantic relationships can help or hurt your development as far as your receptiveness to love is concerned…but I know that relationships take work regardless of your starting position!
Some people have a healthier idea of relationships than others. Others have fanciful ideas of relationships and then there’s people like me who are simply going with the flow because we really don’t know!!!
It’s ok to not know what you’re doing in your romantic relationship – no one really does or else there wouldn’t be so much “help” available for our consumption!