Category: Life lessons

At times I forget that all sexual abuse causes trauma. I never sought any counseling and got to a age that I figured I was too old now or at least the original events were too long ago.

I've come a long way but I still have much more healing to do. It doesn't seem like it should be this difficult

A certain event happened recently that made me feel like once again I was powerless and rapidly being overpowered.

I'm still here

Change

I am the first to admit that change is difficult; I struggle with all changes – good,  bad and somewhere in between.

My life changed drastically recently, although a lot remained the same. I still have the amazing support system and my ambitions are still around; but things are different

Thankfully, I knew most of these changes were coming. Shockingly, knowing hasn’t made them any less difficult.

Lets talk about my ambition – it’s still around but depressed! I’m tired of working toward my goals so much so that I’ve forgotten my initial mission. I’m not quite burnt out, but I’m barely hanging in there.

Life changed a lot in a short amount of time and I’m not adjusting well. For one my patience is severely lacking and my faith is shaken.

Funny, I’m still able to encourage others but I need a jolt of encouragement myself. This is a familiar space to be in, although it’s slightly different than my usual.

on one hand I’m jubilant that I took the risk to make the changes that so desperately needed to be made in my life, on the other, I’m frightened that I’ve made a terrible decision that will haunt me for years to come.

Oh I’m out of hands but there’s also the thought that the decision I made was because I’d given up on myself and my dreams. As if I made this particular decision as a scapegoat to blame when my dream doesn’t come to fruition. I recognize that as depression.

I need to laugh, a grand laugh to renew my faith and restore my vision. I need to be revived before the last life (of my vision) is gone. I refuse to wait until the road back to joy, laughter and a renewed sense of self is miles out of reach.

I need someone to tell me that I need to cheer up and to remind me that I can indeed achieve the dream that I’m actively working on and then the light bulb will start to flicker and my breath will be renewed; I’ll be able to keep going until I reach the finish line

how do I expose my vulnerabilities and remain a leader? Somewhere along the way I’ve been told that leaders are never vulnerable…that’s an untruth! A quick read in any historical or contemporary documents about the greatest leaders, will  end that untruth.

Someone left the impression that a leader must be without fault but I believe they were trying to be a god; because as human beings we are all filled with faults. Leaders simply learn how to make their faults work for them.

Life has presented many changes in a short amount of time and I’m struggling to keep my head up, remember the goal but I just became the person to tell myself that I can do it and that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

So although these changes may be difficult; my faith is renewed and my joy is revived – I encouraged myself. Plus I have the worlds best support system cheering me on.

Change…a part of life.

Fear of intimacy, love

I am an amazing woman; that is not a narcissistic statement but it is true. Of course, like everyone I have quirks that could get on anyone’s nerves, but overall I am great.

Having witnessed several individuals around me endure hardships in their personal relationships, particularly the intimate ones. I decided long ago that I would rather not waste my time on intimate relationships…at least not anything serious.

This worked for a while and then I fell in love with this individual and that was a problem. First off, remember I promised myself years ago that I would NOT participate in any intimate relationships so accidentally falling in love felt like I let myself down. Accidentally falling in love meant that I broke my promise to myself!

In the general public and mainstream media you often hear of falling in love as being something great, that everyone welcomes. I am here to say that is not always the case. At least it was not the case for me.

Before you decide you know how this story ends or you know why I was so crushed when I fell in love with this individual, let me make it clear – this individual is and always has been a wonderful person. Seriously he is an awesome person and that was evident to me the first time he said “hey”

So what’s the problem? I didn’t fall in love with a toxic individual and this individual fell in love with me but I still had to face the fact that now that I was in love I lost part of the wall that I built to protect myself from the pain I witnessed.

Intimate relationships were filled with unnecessary pain according to my perspective at the time. I was afraid that I would subject myself to that pain if I ever got into an intimate relationship, let alone fell in love.

Now it seems funny, but at the time I didn’t even believe I was capable of being in love with someone and I definitely did not believe that someone could love me intimately.

I did mention that this guy loves me right? Because that’s a very important part of the story. It is important to note, that I didn’t just drop my prejudices on love and intimate relationships when I fell in love with him. For years, I wouldn’t allow him to get too close to me intimately, I kept pieces of my walls just in case. I didn’t do this because there was any evidence that he would hurt me or prove that my surroundings were right, intimate relationships suck!

No I did this because I lived with those walls so long that I didn’t know how to let them go. I didn’t know how to just let him love me and when I caught myself loving him unconditionally and without thought I would straighten that up real quick like! Even when I think of it now, it is evident that this man loves me…

I told myself several times that I was just a challenge and as soon as he conquered “me” he would depart my life. I told myself that I was just another one of the many women that he entertained. I told myself that there is no way he could really love me because if he did he would do this or that. I told myself that he was just waiting on the right opportunity to leave me. I told myself that he was just being nice and didn’t know how to let me down easy. I told myself that he was an undercover “dog”. I told myself that he was just using me for the help that I could give him in various aspects of life. I told myself that he was truly ashamed of me and could only be with me in the dark or in other words in the sheets 

Not only did I tell myself these things, I told him and I found evidence of all of these things. Did I mention that he loves me? Because that’s important. He is not perfect but he is an amazing man and he is a patient. person

One thing about me that those closest to me know is that I am an honest person. This characteristic helped tremendously because I would tell this guy how I felt and what I felt he was really up to. For a fact for the first few years I constantly told him that he was going to be the man who broke my heart.

Stop…can you imagine the person you love constantly telling you that you are going to break their heart? Constantly telling you that you are probably a horrible person who just looks like you’re good. I mean constantly, finding reasons why you do not love them? I did that to him for years!

You know how he would respond most of the time? He would just listen, like really listen. Trust me when I say that even in those early days, his active listening took some of the steam out of my argument! But it took me years to truly believe that he loved me and that I was capable of being loved.

It wasn’t even my pain that made me resort to building those walls, it was the pain of others. I honestly thought I would be protecting myself if I didn’t allow myself to love or be loved. I honestly thought that I could control love. I never thought I would meet someone who said “hey” and cause me to feel some kind of way.

As is evident in this post, I spent several years working out my emotions concerning intimate relationships and I truly believe that this put damper on how my relationship with this loving man evolved.

In the same breath, I believe that it is right where it needs to be because it takes the time that it takes to deal with what you have to deal with. It took me awhile to work through my fear of intimate relationships and to see myself as worthy of true love. There are still days when that old way of thinking tries to creep back into my mind, but I am able to address it before it takes off.

Plus since this amazing man loves me and knows me better than most, I can safely tell him when I am struggling. He will listen and reassure me that he is there for me. I am beyond grateful for him and I still feel like it’s a dream to have someone so wonderful in my life, in my support network.

You know what’s the greatest thing about all of this is that I started to see myself as a whole person. Not just someone who was good at school and at helping others, but as the phenomenal woman who I am.

I didn’t make changes to myself for him but I was inspired by his love. He served and continues to serve as my protection when I am afraid of my emotions. I am finally able to acknowledge that I am lovable, I can love, I do love, I am loved.

I don’t know what the future holds for this amazing man and myself but I know that presently I am honored to be loved by and love him. I have yet to find the words to share the joy that he brings to my heart. I can’t even find the words to truly express how much I am so in love with him.

It has been nearly a decade and the love we share is magnanimous but it has nothing on the love he has for me!!!

PhD and Me

The closer I get to finishing this PhD program, the more I wonder if it was/is worth it.

I’ve sacrificed much for this lofty degree and when I started I had a plan; I had major plans…but now I’m releasing myself from all of the plans I had and letting life fall into place.

One thing I know for certain is that my plans thus far constantly changed…whether it was due to my ugly battle with endometriosis and other chronic illnesses or the people I’ve met who enlightened me…I’m not the same and my trajectory has changed.

One day I hope to look back and say: those years I sacrificed and the relationships that suffered due to my pursue of this lofty degree were worth it.

Until then, I will continue what I started because I’m too close to the finish line to stop now.

 

{Insert Name Here} Loves Me

It feels good to be loved. I have often questioned the love that others show me. I questioned this love because I felt unworthy ofsuch love.

I am better now, I’ve addresssed the root of my self depreciating thoughts, feelings and I see myself in a less foggy light. My vision of myself has improved and I believe that I deserve the love that others show me.

It feels good to be loved and it feels even better to know that I’m worthy of that love

I Think I Can

I should graduate from my doctoral program May 2018; but there’s so many changes that will happen before that day.

Health, illness has caused major delays in my original plans but I’ve made progress also. If you’ve read my posts, you know that I have endometriosis and I’ve known for awhile.

I had a dream to receive a PhD so that I could not only teach at the postsecondary level, but so I could help others reach their goals. Believe me when I say that I don’t believe you need fancy degrees to help people and you certainly don’t need a PhD; however, there are some levels of access that are denied to many without the fancy degrees.

My pursuit of this degree is not for reasons of vanity but lies in the fact that it inspires many. Many groups are still underrepresented in the halls of academia so it’s not shocking that some individuals from those groups feel that dreams of having fancy degrees are just that, dreams. I am and will always be a symbol that those dreams don’t have to remain dreams. I look to inspire at least one person to pursue her dreams.

I am representing many underrepresented groups…I think I can achieve my dream of obtaining this fancy degree I’m in pursuit of in spite of the seen and unseen obstacles in my way.

Often I have to encourage myself to keep going because it feels like an uphill battle…but in a little over one year this battle will be won and I’ll prepare for the next one.

I believe I can do this and that’s a major part of the battle.