Category: Just because

My grandfather

My paternal grandfather died in 2010 while I was in pursuit of my first post-baccalaureate degree. He had throat cancer, but ultimately died in his sleep during work travels.

He was a roofer by trade and he was a hard worker. Even during the years he struggled with alcohol addiction, he worked faithfully. Today, experts would suggest that he was a functioning alcoholic – but I am not sure the title fits.

Of course, he worked tirelessly and he maintained his household; but there’s more to functioning than being able to work.

He was born in a completely different time than I was and his family’s composition was one that I can never fully understand.

In my early and middle childhood days I was afraid of my grandfather. He was definitely harmless, but he was loud. He would come into my grandmother’s house loudly making his presence known.

You see my mother was a quiet woman who rarely raised her voice so the most noise in our house was us children playing or occasionally the television or radio. I was unsure of how to what it meant when someone was loud.

In my wee mind people were only loud if there was danger near. So when my grandfather would speak loudly I thought something was wrong and I would cry.

For quite awhile he thought that I was simply crying because he was in the building! My grandmother and mother explained that I was just frightened by his loudness.

He was always crazy about me. I was his first grandchild by his favorite child. Seriously, everyone would agree that my dad was my grandfather’s favorite child.

Fast forward to my teenage years, my grandfather and I grew very close. I was no longer afraid of him and I realized he was only loud when he was announcing his entrance into my grandma’s house.

He and my grandmother were separated but still married. He still financially supported my grandmother; however, for some reason unbeknownst to me they were separated throughout my entire life.

Once I was a teenager I would go to my grandfather’s house and sit with him. I loved those times, some times we would talk but most of the time we would just sit in silence.

My grandfather is no longer around but even to this day I love just sitting in silence.

When I moved for college I talked to my grandfather at least once a week. Neither of us were really good phone conversationalist but with the distance between us we learned how to converse on the phone.

He would tell me about his travels for work and about the men he worked with. I would tell him what I was doing in school and how I thought college was stupid.

He would generally end the conversation by encouraging me to stay in school. He told me my schooling would pay off eventually.

You see he didn’t have much formal education and neither did the majority of his siblings. Education was something some of them aspired to but it seemed out of reach.

My grandfather did get to see me graduate high school and college. He was very proud of me. My pictures were all over his house and he talked about me to any who would listen.

He wasn’t a perfect man, no one is. And he had some issues, everyone does. But he taught me a lot about work ethic and character.

I’m glad I was able to let him know that I love him while he was still living. I’m ultra glad that I got to know him as a person and not just as my loud grandfather who doesn’t live with my grandma but seems to pay all the bills!

I think he would be proud of me today. As I prepare to use my education to educate others. He would likely remind me of how he would tell me that schooling is good for me and it will pay off.

Emotional Reaction

I hate you – at least that’s how I feel in this moment.

Hate is too strong of a word. One might say, but in the moment hate is the best descriptor I possess.

When I say I love you, no one tells me that love is too strong of a word.

Hate. Love. These words are often thought to be opposites. Some even suggest that there’s a thin line between them or perhaps they are on a spectrum…easily blurred.

If I tell you I hate you right now, will you even hear the words “right now”? Or will you only hear “I hate you”?

Does it even matter if you hear the entire statement?

Does the context matter? If I said it while I was upset or in the heat of the moment, does that change how you receive my statement?

I hate you right now, but I’m not sure what that really means.

I’m not feeling very lovingly toward you so does that translate to hate?

I won’t hate you during the next moment; but in this moment I do. Does that change how you receive my statement?

I hate you right now; but, perhaps I’ll love you later.

Does that matter since I hate you right now?

Living with ME

ME…I’m not referring to myalgic encephalomyelitis which is also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I cannot begin to fathom what it’s like to live with that disease; however, I know all about life with myself.

Perhaps it’s just me, but I get on my nerves. Seriously, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t irk my nerves at least once.

If you’ve read any of my prior post, you know that I have an unquestionable love for myself although I struggle to describe who I am. So this diatribe about getting on my nerves is not a cry for help or some of the other things that you read about in online communities.

No, it’s simply a fact that I get on my own nerves. To put it another way, my behaviors and attitudes annoy me at least once a day.

Case in point – it annoys me that I even have the nerve to write this blog post. It’s even more annoying that I actually believe at least one other person will read it and another person will relate to it!

I told you, life with me is annoying.

On one of those shows that people watch because “that’s what intelligent people do”…you know the shows I am referring to? The ones that enlighten and educate you…keep that visualization in mind! Now laugh, while I make my point (see life with me is annoying!)

Ok so this particularly enlightening show suggested that in general, people prefer individuals who will just come out and say that they are great. So I bring this up because something else that annoys me is that I often tell people how I’m great!

Seriously, I say and/or write that I’m great in the same fashion that someone says, Today is {insert day of the week here}…trust me, it’s one of my most annoying habits! It should go without saying but I honestly believe that it’s a privilege for anyone to know me. Don’t take this personal, but it wouldn’t be far from the truth if you thought that I am one of those people who believes that you are blessed to read my posts!

I’m not narcissistic; however, my confidence about my talent and gifts (especially in spheres that matter very little in the grand scheme of things) is quite stable. Plus, it’s humorous to see how uncomfortable loving myself makes others.

We are often told to love ourselves and to think highly of ourselves, but when I express just how highly I think of myself – I am side-eyed!

Life with me is interesting to say the least.

I’m a great person and most people would describe me as a kind, intelligent, charitable introvert who is a bit weird. Very few would know just how much my quirks get on my nerves!

This post is really just comic relief! Its important that we laugh at our quirks some times.

I’m embracing every part of myself and Iā€™m loving it!

Interesting phenomena

What’s the fascination with comparing EVERYTHING to Porn and Sex?

I fail to understand why this is the case.

Think about it, it’s quite common (at least in the United States) to hear the following:

Food Porn

Better than sex makeup, cake and cocktails

Inspiration Porn

Word Porn

Why is it that in order to describe something that is stimulating, gratifying; porn or sex has to be attached to the title?

I’m not even going to get into the research surrounding porn or the various opinions concerning the industry because that’s not the point…

But I am simply asking what’s the deal with attaching the words porn and sex to so many unrelated things!

The links included are for informational purposes only. No compensation was provided and the views do not necessarily reflect mine.

My Peace is Threatened

If I could simply be frustrated with the job search, I’d be much more comforted. Even job searches come to an end!

I cannot pinpoint what’s off in my world because nothing is truly wrong; however, so much has changed.

I spent the majority of my life thus far in pursuit of a dream; once I realized that dream…the dream qualities were missing!

How is it that I’m immensely proud of my personal and professional accomplishments; yet, I feel like there’s another story underlying everything which contains the key to what’s right and wrong in my life right now?

I’ve always been that person who ignored my feelings in the name of sanity. I learned early on that the exploration of feelings and emotions spell danger.

I know this is a far out there idea for many of you, but I’ll take this time to remind you that feelings and emotions rarely make sense on paper!

I’m an adult and there are steps I have to take to feel that way internally. I’ve financially supported myself for years so that’s no issue…granted employment would make this part of life much easier!!!

My train of thought departed šŸš‚

Typos…

The awkward moment I read my posts and find typos I missed when both times I proofread!

I proofread TWICE and there’s still typos!

Hobbies, Anyone?

A hobby is something you engage in regularly for sheer entertainment.

We are often asked what our hobbies are; especially, when we are first getting to know someone.

I’ve struggled to answer this question every time it was asked.

Not because I dislike fun, entertainment. But because many of the things I do enjoy are ingrained into my lifestyle….therefore it is difficult to identify these things as hobbies.

Part of my problem is my construction of hobby! I think of hobby and I think of an activity that’s far more entertaining than anything I actually enjoy. Plus I seem to believe that one must have numerous hobbies in order for it to count!

This is a terrible misconception, although it’s one I choose to continue to believe. At least I know my logic is flawed…that stands for something right?

I don’t enjoy the “big” hobbies like the ones that incorporate physical activity or those that involves instruments or tools. I didn’t name any particular hobby, yet you envisioned some by my hollow descriptions, right?

Even before you begin to read this post…the title invoked imagery of hobbies! The mind is interesting like that.

I enjoy reading and that’s the only thing I identify as a hobby of mine! Sure there are other things I like to do; but, leisure reading is the only thing I regularly do for entertainment.

I’ve tried expanding my hobbies without much success.

Hello dear reader, my name is Amber and my only hobby is reading! How about you?

Who Am I?

I’ve never been one to have a lot of nicknames.

For a fact, my first and middle is as close to a moniker that I have!

My name is Amber, in case you were wondering. I love to laugh. Enjoy writing and I am passionate about helping others. I have been blessed with many opportunities.

I’ve had several blogs through the years – I deleted them whenever the thrill was gone!

Most of my blogs via various platforms focused on my life with endometriosis. These blogs were instrumental during times when I needed reassurance that I was not alone in the painful struggles.

My picture is included in many endometriosis awareness videos created by individuals I interacted with online.

Now I blog about whatever happens to be on my mind…I’ve read that this catch-all type of blog is the least profitable! Sigh.

If you’ve read my recent posts, you know that I have academic degrees and I’m on the job market.

My name is very common so it’s difficult to google me with much success! I’ve had many friends who’ve tried.

My blog title: Strong Caring Beauty is a collection of words people used to describe me during one of those social media quizzes.

I have a difficult time describing myself because there’s so much to who I am. Plus, I have no issue with people developing their own opinions without my persuasion.

However, I’m grateful that you took the time to read this post and to visit my blog. Thank you

Bye 2018, Hello 2019

In January, I had an unremarkable birthday.

In February, I broadened some youngsters’ appreciation of Black History.

In March, I failed to meet a deadline, again.

In April, I socialized more.

In May, I dealt with the consequences of the missed deadline.

In June, I recklessly spent money in an attempt to compensate for the missed deadline.

In July, I took a vacation but failed to relax.

In August, I finished mourning the missed deadline and received a new deadline.

In September, I enjoyed family while I stressed over the new deadline.

In October, I successfully met that deadline.

In November, I enjoyed family and tried to feel relieved.

In December, I received a PhD and realized I wanted more out of life.

In 2018, I laughed, cried, yelled, smiled and everything in between. I mourned the version of my adult life I’d created when I was but a teen!

So 2019, will be the first year that I’m without some plan or idea of who and what I am or what my life should or shouldn’t be. This is good because I am finally open to what is meant for me. This is hard because I love my plans!

A decade ago is the first time my planned life was shaken…now my planned life is only an archived memory. The girl who planned that life, did not have the privilege of knowing the woman she’d planned the life for.

There’s no way she could’ve know that, the woman wouldn’t fit into those plans. I was that girl and that planned life kept me going. Literally propelling me to reach for my goals. In that regard, that planned life will always be cherished, but I’m thankful that those girl’s plans fail to fit this woman’s life.

There’s more trials, tribulations and triumphs for me in 2019.