Month: May 2017

Fear of intimacy, love

I am an amazing woman; that is not a narcissistic statement but it is true. Of course, like everyone I have quirks that could get on anyone’s nerves, but overall I am great.

Having witnessed several individuals around me endure hardships in their personal relationships, particularly the intimate ones. I decided long ago that I would rather not waste my time on intimate relationships…at least not anything serious.

This worked for a while and then I fell in love with this individual and that was a problem. First off, remember I promised myself years ago that I would NOT participate in any intimate relationships so accidentally falling in love felt like I let myself down. Accidentally falling in love meant that I broke my promise to myself!

In the general public and mainstream media you often hear of falling in love as being something great, that everyone welcomes. I am here to say that is not always the case. At least it was not the case for me.

Before you decide you know how this story ends or you know why I was so crushed when I fell in love with this individual, let me make it clear – this individual is and always has been a wonderful person. Seriously he is an awesome person and that was evident to me the first time he said “hey”

So what’s the problem? I didn’t fall in love with a toxic individual and this individual fell in love with me but I still had to face the fact that now that I was in love I lost part of the wall that I built to protect myself from the pain I witnessed.

Intimate relationships were filled with unnecessary pain according to my perspective at the time. I was afraid that I would subject myself to that pain if I ever got into an intimate relationship, let alone fell in love.

Now it seems funny, but at the time I didn’t even believe I was capable of being in love with someone and I definitely did not believe that someone could love me intimately.

I did mention that this guy loves me right? Because that’s a very important part of the story. It is important to note, that I didn’t just drop my prejudices on love and intimate relationships when I fell in love with him. For years, I wouldn’t allow him to get too close to me intimately, I kept pieces of my walls just in case. I didn’t do this because there was any evidence that he would hurt me or prove that my surroundings were right, intimate relationships suck!

No I did this because I lived with those walls so long that I didn’t know how to let them go. I didn’t know how to just let him love me and when I caught myself loving him unconditionally and without thought I would straighten that up real quick like! Even when I think of it now, it is evident that this man loves me…

I told myself several times that I was just a challenge and as soon as he conquered “me” he would depart my life. I told myself that I was just another one of the many women that he entertained. I told myself that there is no way he could really love me because if he did he would do this or that. I told myself that he was just waiting on the right opportunity to leave me. I told myself that he was just being nice and didn’t know how to let me down easy. I told myself that he was an undercover “dog”. I told myself that he was just using me for the help that I could give him in various aspects of life. I told myself that he was truly ashamed of me and could only be with me in the dark or in other words in the sheets 

Not only did I tell myself these things, I told him and I found evidence of all of these things. Did I mention that he loves me? Because that’s important. He is not perfect but he is an amazing man and he is a patient. person

One thing about me that those closest to me know is that I am an honest person. This characteristic helped tremendously because I would tell this guy how I felt and what I felt he was really up to. For a fact for the first few years I constantly told him that he was going to be the man who broke my heart.

Stop…can you imagine the person you love constantly telling you that you are going to break their heart? Constantly telling you that you are probably a horrible person who just looks like you’re good. I mean constantly, finding reasons why you do not love them? I did that to him for years!

You know how he would respond most of the time? He would just listen, like really listen. Trust me when I say that even in those early days, his active listening took some of the steam out of my argument! But it took me years to truly believe that he loved me and that I was capable of being loved.

It wasn’t even my pain that made me resort to building those walls, it was the pain of others. I honestly thought I would be protecting myself if I didn’t allow myself to love or be loved. I honestly thought that I could control love. I never thought I would meet someone who said “hey” and cause me to feel some kind of way.

As is evident in this post, I spent several years working out my emotions concerning intimate relationships and I truly believe that this put damper on how my relationship with this loving man evolved.

In the same breath, I believe that it is right where it needs to be because it takes the time that it takes to deal with what you have to deal with. It took me awhile to work through my fear of intimate relationships and to see myself as worthy of true love. There are still days when that old way of thinking tries to creep back into my mind, but I am able to address it before it takes off.

Plus since this amazing man loves me and knows me better than most, I can safely tell him when I am struggling. He will listen and reassure me that he is there for me. I am beyond grateful for him and I still feel like it’s a dream to have someone so wonderful in my life, in my support network.

You know what’s the greatest thing about all of this is that I started to see myself as a whole person. Not just someone who was good at school and at helping others, but as the phenomenal woman who I am.

I didn’t make changes to myself for him but I was inspired by his love. He served and continues to serve as my protection when I am afraid of my emotions. I am finally able to acknowledge that I am lovable, I can love, I do love, I am loved.

I don’t know what the future holds for this amazing man and myself but I know that presently I am honored to be loved by and love him. I have yet to find the words to share the joy that he brings to my heart. I can’t even find the words to truly express how much I am so in love with him.

It has been nearly a decade and the love we share is magnanimous but it has nothing on the love he has for me!!!

Ebates

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Popcorn

I love Cornology popcorn. I first had it in January 2016 during a visit to San Francisco. Once I arrived back to my residence I ordered Cornology a few times…I tried to ease my recent craving with popcorn that’s easily accessed in my neighborhood but … Continue reading Popcorn

Endometriosis complications 

If I had my way I wouldn’t have endometriosis, who would ever if given the choice? But I do have endometriosis and it has impacted every area of my life. I appreciate hearing about people who accomplished societal success, all while having endometriosis, but I’m also saddened by this news because I start judging myself harshly….what have I accomplished? How can I blame endometriosis for some of my success shortcomings when that individual I’m reading about has accomplished so much while having the same disease? 

So to get myself out of my conflicting thoughts I read about how endometriosis impacts everyone differently and blah, blah, blah. This works momentarily, until I read about someone with some other life altering illness who is successful according to society’s standards. Then the self judgment starts again – what is my excuse? I’m just a failing failure.

Ok so I know that this line of reasoning is unreasonable and utterly ridiculous but in that moment when I am judging myself so harshly for how I’m comparing my plight with someone else’s, this reasoning feels like the truest truth I’ve ever told myself.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis nearly two decades ago but it’s no easier to handle now than it was when I was a scared adolescent thinking I had some terminal illness in my stomach.

One thing I know for certain is that the quickest road to depression is to compare yourself to another. 

I’ll never be thankful for having endometriosis but I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned while dealing with this horrible disease. I believe I could’ve learned these lessons another less humiliatingly painful way but I didn’t choose the body I was born into or the diseases that occupied it

Thank you

I appreciate all the follows, likes, and I hope to be able to engage more in the community as the summer months roll around!!! Thank you for following my blog. Stay tuned