Month: February 2017

Depression Was Once My Significant Other

In the not so distant past I had an on and off again relationship with Depression. Somewhere along the way I met Depression’s cousin Melancholy. I’ll introduce you to her later.

First, let me tell you about Depression, he was definitely a character. Depression presented himself as the perfect romantic mate for me. It depends on who you ask but we were great together…I hope that you are well aware that in the beginning of most relationships there are fireworks, sunshine, butterflies and smiles. My relationship with Depression was no different.

Depression was always there for me and he never questioned my lack of luster for life. He accepted me exactly the way I wanted to be accepted. It didn’t matter if I wanted to stay in everyday and away from others, he accepted me. He was never jealous when I chose food as a means of comfort, for a fact he encouraged me to bury my emotions in whatever method I chose…food, alcohol, stagnation, etc.

As much as Depression didn’t mind me entertaining food, alcohol, etc…he cared little for my friends and family. Yeah, my friends and family were not welcomed in my life because Depression could take care of me. Naively, I thought this meant that Depression loved me…he wanted me to himself, isn’t that romantic?

I remember the times that physicians would mention therapy or medication so that I could end my relationship with Depression. I’m sure you can guess how Depression felt every time some licensed individual would tell me that I needed to get rid of him. Let’s just say that he didn’t like it very much! 

Remember I felt loved by Depression and he never tried to change me, so I had a problem when these people wanted to take him from my life too. I’d grown accustomed to Depression being with me all the time and was unsure how I would be without him.

I mean when people saw me, they saw Depression too. He was my security blanket and he loved me.

However, once the doctors and therapists started suggesting that I rid myself of Depression I noticed that he had removed my loved ones from my life and made me codependent on him. 

How was I supposed to go back to my family and friends after I dismissed them to keep Depression happy? Depression told me that my loved ones didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and I needed him. He said that they would all laugh at me if I suddenly invited them back into my life. Additionally, he reminded me that he was the only one who stuck with me and I needed him to survive.

Being the halfway intelligent person that I am, I thought that maybe the clinicians had a point. I couldn’t figure out why they were so focused on my relationship with Depression but I refused to simply ignore their cautionary advice.

Depression was still ALWAYS with me so it was really hard to have a private thought about ending my relationship with him…he loved whispering sweet nothings in my ear every chance he could.

Sweet nothings? You know like telling me how beautiful I was not, reminding me that I had nothing to offer to anyone, oh he also told me my life was worthless and I was easily forgettable. Well those are some of the sweet nothings that the one who I knew loved me also known as Depression told me.

At one point I questioned Depression and asked if he really loved me just as I am. This angered him because it was the first time I showed any inkling of falling out of love with him. But as I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone who has been in an on and off again relationship; Depression begged me to give him another chance and reminded me of how we were a team…we belonged together

Sigh, this time I couldn’t take Depression back, although I missed many of the comforts I had with him. You know we had been together for years and although I didn’t want him anymore, I wanted something similar…

That’s when I met his cousin Melancholy. We were instant pals, she was my Best(est) friend, until she wasn’t.

One day I’ll tell you about my friendship with Melancholy…she is definitely related to Depression but not the same. 

Hilarious 

While reading posts, I was ready to like one…then I noticed it was an old post of mine and I needed to refresh the screen! I don’t post often but some of my posts are poetry…is that narcissistic?

Hobby 

I need a hobby, suggestions? So far I love reading, writing,and listening to public radio.  Also love making digital scrapbooks and picture projects….I don’t have much money so I don’t want an expensive hobby… neither do I want a hobby that takes up too much space 

I pride myself on becoming a better version of me daily; however, I’m not always sure how successful I am at this. 

Something I’m learning this month is how to temper my emotional sensitivities…this is challenging because until recently I denied that I was sensitive, overly emotional

It took getting to know one of my best friends to truly see myself. With this particular friend I’ve been able to “let my hair hang down” which includes being outrageously vulnerable 

I lost my train of thought but I’m certain I had a point 

Slow down

I could use a few Yield signs during my life’s journey, even now I caution myself to slow down, savor the moment.

People often say that life is short so we should enjoy it while we have it…of course I believe this is often used to justify mischievous and irresponsible behavior, but there’s more to it than that.

I’m a planner by nature, some would say that I possess a Type A personality and that by default im a bit of a perfectionist. I’ve made many plans that failed, including the grand plan I constructed for my life.

Talk about an epic failure! Until recently I was unable to distinguish between failing at something I set out to accomplish and being a failure. Part of the major issue I faced and continue to face is that I attempt to control every aspect of my life, anyone who’s lived awhile can affirm that it’s impossible to micromanage your life…regardless of how great you are.

It’s become a signature part of my personality to have full reign over my life and the happenings of it…this is laughable! My thoughts race and I portray that I’m put together when I’m really falling apart.

I’m learning to slow down and take in my surroundings. I accept where I am currently, while I work to achieve and become greater. I acknowledge my circumstances, regardless how grim they may be but I refuse to allow them to define me. I slow down, I take deep breaths and I thrive.

When I was constantly going, flowing I missed a lot of opportunities because I couldn’t only see what I was not amd what I failed at…I couldn’t see my potential or what I accomplished in the midst of my circumstances.

Life is not some great fairy tale and yes there are things I would like to change, however, I’m glad that I took heed to the yield signs and slowed down. I’m slowing down and yet somehow I’m moving faster than I ever have before.