If I write, maybe I can figure out what I am feeling at the moment. I’ve tried this “exercise” several times before and a few of those times I actually found the words to describe my current mental state.
I live everyday on a mission…not completely horrible! But always working toward achieving something or learning something new takes away from the joy of living. Please rest assured that I am not suggesting that we sit around with little ambition, purpose but I do believe it is healthy, helpful to take a moment to figure out why you are doing whatever it is you’ve set out.
During my life I have worked hard, most of the time, in an attempt to achieve one major goal. This goal took time – A LOT OF TIME – and extensive planning.So it was easy for me to accept my mission filled days without acknowledging how much life passed me by. It is easy to say that I am just now noticing that I need to chill a little and enjoy play while working to achieve…but that would be a LIE! I’ve had several moments during my journey when it became blatantly obvious that I was missing out on life….however my achievements, goals, mission was far more important than life!
Okay so writing this makes it seem really ridiculous, but that is the truth of the matter…I felt that my life was less important that my destination, journey. That’s not true, it was not just because I thought my life was less important. but it had a lot to do with being comfortable with those goals, missions that I mapped out for myself because they were formulaic. I knew how many steps I needed to take to achieve my goals. reality. Life on the other hand was much more unpredictable.
So I started this post searching for the words to explain what’s going on within me right now…and although you may believe that I have…trust me when I say I simply chose one of those surface issues that I could pull out since once I started writing I discovered that I am not really interested in acknowledging feelings right now.
One day I will find the words and allow myself to share them, but today the words above will suffice.