The Memo

The chronic illness related pain failed to read and/or comprehend the memo which stated:

To Whom It May Concern:

The deadlines are fast approaching and must be met. There’s no acceptable excuses for said person to miss these deadlines. Reasonable accommodations were made and any extensions beyond those suggests that said person is unable to adequately perform the tasks.

Signed,

The Deadline Committee

Well, back to the chronic illness related pain that failed to read and/or comprehend the memo and decided instead to flare when I (aka said person) desperately needed to write in order to meet the deadline committee’s demands.

Clarity statement: NO committee or individual gave me such a deadline notice…IRL

Push and Pull

I’m somewhere between out of steam and full of life.

Constantly being pulled in opposing directions; attempting to decide whether to lean in to this or that.

On one hand I am making significant progress, while at the same time experiencing major setbacks.

No one prepared me for the tug of war called life

I’m somewhere between out of steam and full of life.

When XYZ happens…

I’ve lived long enough to grasp that waiting until the “perfect” time to do anything leads to disappointed.

It took some disappointments for me to realize this. I spent many days, weeks, months and years waiting.

There’s the time I waited until I thought I looked “attractive” to say hello to the person I had a crush on! That only led to more waiting because I always had to feel attractive before speaking to this person. I’m sure I’m not the only one who fails to feel attractive on some days.

Yes, I know that I’m attractive…but some days I feel that I look like ahh…what? Needless, to say me and this person did not have many conversations! Either I failed to run into them on the days I felt attractive or quickly convinced myself that I could not converse on the days we saw each other.

Popular culture, comforts me by suggesting that if it’s meant to be it will be! Lol! How would I know I was too busy waiting for XYZ to converse with my crush.

That was years ago, I was much younger, less secure in my newly formed body (of course it was not a new body but the curves  ascribed to femininity certainly felt a lot different than my previous form) and quite frankly I was shy.

Stop! I could easily hold a conversation with most people, but when it came to those I was remotely interested in…I was tongue tied.

Thats over, I conquered my romantic pauses behind a keyboard and a screen! Interestingly or not, I was much bolder and I talked…I’ve been talking to this crush for years now -I even talk in person with ease. So maybe it wasn’t the waiting…shrug!

Oh but I’ve waited for perfect conditions for other things also…especially, my academic writing.

Anyone whose written a dissertation knows that waiting until the surrounding is perfect, your thought process is clear and everything else is Perfect to write sections of your dissertation, leads to major procrastination and often deadline crunches.

My dissertation is nearly finished now. Finally in the editing process!!! Yay!!! But this has been a long 18 month journey.

Ok so I’ll get back to writing my dissertation now…waiting on the perfect moment that never comes

Emotional Captivity

I warn myself – It’s Not Safe to be Vulnerable.

I ask myself – Why is it Unsafe to be Vulnerable?

I sense somewhere deep within that I need to be vulnerable

At least I need to be vulnerable with this individual whom on my days of clarity I love very much.

I find anecdotal evidence to support the anxious thoughts I have about vulnerabilities

I even find ways to suggest that being vulnerable with this person is far more dangerous than it is

Through the years I’ve created an emotional prison. I built walls around my heart in an attempt to protect it from the hurt I’ve witnessed others experience

Yes there were times that I’d allow extended visits to my heart so some have had access to it

But I have always been in an emotional prison of my own creation

Sigh.

Now I have to destroy the prison I created because my desire to fully love outweighs my urge to protect myself

I let this person have an extended visit with my heart and my heart enjoyed it very much

But then my mind reminded of the possibility of being hurt and I denied this person any future visits

Now it is time for my release from the prison and all I can remember is those moments that my heart felt free even while I was yet captive

This person makes me want to be free from all undue pain

This person makes me want to destroy my emotional prison and redefine what it really means to be safe.

Emotional captivity has cost me a lot, but now I’m ready to be vulnerable

Although I’m afraid of living outside of my self-made emotional prison.

Who You Are

When I spend time with others, my self perception changes.

Not in the sense that I’m easily influenced, but momentarily I see myself through their eyes.

Who are you to others? Often my self-image is tarnished by my experiences and emotions – both of those are dynamic. On the other hand, how others familiar with me see me is often constant…I assume.

My siblings think of me as intelligent, quirky, and dependable. Members of the assembly I frequent, think of me as bold, anointed, and smart. My parents think I am kind, weird, and resourceful. My colleagues think I am intelligent, reserved, and mysterious. I could go on but you get it! I’ve been told these things but how I think of myself changes like my mood.

Hmm, who am I? Who are you?

Should I know?

One decade ago if you asked me what I wanted to do for a career, I would answer confidently.

Now as I prepare to enter the next phase of my career preparation – I cannot answer that question quite as confidently.

It’s not that I changed oh so much during the latest decade; however, I have matured and the world that I live in appears different.

I say the world appears different, not that it is different because I’m unsure if only my perspective has changed which impacts the way I see the world or if it’s different.

I know what I like and I know what I would like to do; however, I lack the tidy explanation I once had about what I want to do as a career.

In the past, I would say I wanted to become an Insert Title Here…now I have descriptors.

I would be much more comfortable with a tidy title as a response to the career questions