At times I forget that all sexual abuse causes trauma. I never sought any counseling and got to a age that I figured I was too old now or at least the original events were too long ago.

I've come a long way but I still have much more healing to do. It doesn't seem like it should be this difficult

A certain event happened recently that made me feel like once again I was powerless and rapidly being overpowered.

I'm still here

Kiss

A kiss can be magical and ordinary.
A kiss can tell a story and reveal nothing at all.
A kiss can communicate what's left unsaid.
It was a kiss that informed me that it was time to say goodbye.
It was a kiss that informed me that the love well had ran dry.
A kiss can uncover things you'd rather not see.
A kiss can lead to so many things.
It was a kiss that warned me but I thought it was just a kiss

Relax

Woosah, I must calm down and try to relax. It’s beyond difficult because on the inside it feels like an eruption, emotional of course.

Theres not one particular thing that has my nerves frayed but the combination of everything is becoming a lot to handle

relax, breathe deeply, meditate, I must do all of the above.

i feel like crying or perhaps screaming will be better

i feel alone but not lonely

I know all is well but it doesn’t look so great when I look at my perception of the picture.

Writing helps.

Trust

I will trust a male again but it will be awhile from now, I will trust a female again but it will be awhile from now. I will trust again but not right now. 

I believe that things happen for a reason so I don’t regret any decisions I made; but I do wonder what if some times

What if I keep my level of detachment alive and held on to that unhealthy level of distrust I had? I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today but I also wouldn’t have this particular issue. Then again I’m no fortune teller. 

I believe that people are placed in my life for a reason, I don’t always learn the applicable lessons but that doesn’t mean that they don’t exist

A part of me wishes I never took a chance on love and that I never let my guard down but that part is the wounded pride because deep down I’m still beyond grateful foe the opportunity to love such a wonderful man 

Wounded pride feels like I should call him everything but wonderful. Wounded pride feels like I should defame him

Ahh but that’s not my nature and it’s not a true representation of my feelings. Right now I miss his voice, the way he chuckles and his beautiful smile 

Yes that makes me mad because I seem to be unable to stop loving him. I don’t kmow if he loves me but I didn’t know if he loved me when I first fell in love with him and I loved him anyway.

A part of me is anxious not to look stupid or make a fool of myself. I don’t want to be taken advantage of or played but that part of me started this post, she doesn’t trust and refuses to love. That part of me feels that she can only do things that are formulaic 

Love is far from formulaic. 

Change

I am the first to admit that change is difficult; I struggle with all changes – good,  bad and somewhere in between.

My life changed drastically recently, although a lot remained the same. I still have the amazing support system and my ambitions are still around; but things are different

Thankfully, I knew most of these changes were coming. Shockingly, knowing hasn’t made them any less difficult.

Lets talk about my ambition – it’s still around but depressed! I’m tired of working toward my goals so much so that I’ve forgotten my initial mission. I’m not quite burnt out, but I’m barely hanging in there.

Life changed a lot in a short amount of time and I’m not adjusting well. For one my patience is severely lacking and my faith is shaken.

Funny, I’m still able to encourage others but I need a jolt of encouragement myself. This is a familiar space to be in, although it’s slightly different than my usual.

on one hand I’m jubilant that I took the risk to make the changes that so desperately needed to be made in my life, on the other, I’m frightened that I’ve made a terrible decision that will haunt me for years to come.

Oh I’m out of hands but there’s also the thought that the decision I made was because I’d given up on myself and my dreams. As if I made this particular decision as a scapegoat to blame when my dream doesn’t come to fruition. I recognize that as depression.

I need to laugh, a grand laugh to renew my faith and restore my vision. I need to be revived before the last life (of my vision) is gone. I refuse to wait until the road back to joy, laughter and a renewed sense of self is miles out of reach.

I need someone to tell me that I need to cheer up and to remind me that I can indeed achieve the dream that I’m actively working on and then the light bulb will start to flicker and my breath will be renewed; I’ll be able to keep going until I reach the finish line

how do I expose my vulnerabilities and remain a leader? Somewhere along the way I’ve been told that leaders are never vulnerable…that’s an untruth! A quick read in any historical or contemporary documents about the greatest leaders, will  end that untruth.

Someone left the impression that a leader must be without fault but I believe they were trying to be a god; because as human beings we are all filled with faults. Leaders simply learn how to make their faults work for them.

Life has presented many changes in a short amount of time and I’m struggling to keep my head up, remember the goal but I just became the person to tell myself that I can do it and that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

So although these changes may be difficult; my faith is renewed and my joy is revived – I encouraged myself. Plus I have the worlds best support system cheering me on.

Change…a part of life.

Accepting love

How do I let him love me, even when I’m afraid. I’m not afraid of him but I am fraud of experiencing love fully. I’m ready to let the last of my guards down and truly experience the love he tries to share with me but the unknown frightens me.

The love he has for me is abundant and I finally abundantly love myself so I can receive his love…but it’s still frightening because it’s so new. 

I love him, he loves me…but will I accept the love he willingly offers? 

How do you accept love?