Should I know?

One decade ago if you asked me what I wanted to do for a career, I would answer confidently.

Now as I prepare to enter the next phase of my career preparation – I cannot answer that question quite as confidently.

It’s not that I changed oh so much during the latest decade; however, I have matured and the world that I live in appears different.

I say the world appears different, not that it is different because I’m unsure if only my perspective has changed which impacts the way I see the world or if it’s different.

I know what I like and I know what I would like to do; however, I lack the tidy explanation I once had about what I want to do as a career.

In the past, I would say I wanted to become an Insert Title Here…now I have descriptors.

I would be much more comfortable with a tidy title as a response to the career questions

Friends, I have them!

I am honored to have friends.

There was a time when I may have had A friend, but definitely not many friends.

Currently, I struggle to develop lasting relationships with others.

Thankfully, those whom I consider friends looked over my tendency to keep people at a distance…and they slowly became my long term friends

Stay Focus

Stay focus, those were the last words a loved one spoke to me.

At the time, I thought it was odd because I was at the beginning of my long educational journey that would ultimately lead to a PhD

The young, naive individual that I was at the time wanted to tell this loved one to open their eyes…so they would see that I AM FOCUSED.

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Emotional Captivity

I warn myself – It’s Not Safe to be Vulnerable.

I ask myself – Why is it Unsafe to be Vulnerable?

I sense somewhere deep within that I need to be vulnerable

At least I need to be vulnerable with this individual whom on my days of clarity I love very much.

I find anecdotal evidence to support the anxious thoughts I have about vulnerabilities

I even find ways to suggest that being vulnerable with this person is far more dangerous than it is

Through the years I’ve created an emotional prison. I built walls around my heart in an attempt to protect it from the hurt I’ve witnessed others experience

Yes there were times that I’d allow extended visits to my heart so some have had access to it

But I have always been in an emotional prison of my own creation

Sigh.

Now I have to destroy the prison I created because my desire to fully love outweighs my urge to protect myself

I let this person have an extended visit with my heart and my heart enjoyed it very much

But then my mind reminded of the possibility of being hurt and I denied this person any future visits

Now it is time for my release from the prison and all I can remember is those moments that my heart felt free even while I was yet captive

This person makes me want to be free from all undue pain

This person makes me want to destroy my emotional prison and redefine what it really means to be safe.

Emotional captivity has cost me a lot, but now I’m ready to be vulnerable

Although I’m afraid of living outside of my self-made emotional prison.

Love, what?

At times I wonder if I’ve ever truly loved anyone

Other times, I believe I’ve loved many

Then I ask myself what is love?

I ask others what is love?

Some illustrate love to me with the imagery of a mother loving her child.

I counter that by the countless images of mothers abusing, neglecting their children

A mother’s love is the purest love, some would say

But the images of children abused at the hands of their mother – competes with that sentiment

Some people explain love with the imagery of a deity

But that often leaves me with so many questions that it fails to explain what is love.

I’m told that there are multiple types of love.

I wonder why are there so many types of love, if love is one thing

Perhaps that is why I cannot explain what is love

And I’ll never know if I’ve loved before.

Maybe I’m using the wrong approach and love is indeed inexplicable

Shrug…love, what’s that really?

Flares

Flares – how appropriate is this word for the unpredictable, destructive way endometriosis and similar chronic pain disorders interrupt your life.

Like a flare of fire even if you avoid looking at it, the heat still makes it known. With endometriosis I often refuse to pay attention to the outrageous pain…yet it continues.

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The Blog Hustle

How many times have you read posts about making thousands from your blog?

I’ve used various blogging media for years now but it seems that I come across more of those make lots of money posts now than before.

One day I will invest enough in my blog to monetize it and allow it to serve as an additional source of income

But that’s the issue! I have to seriously engage and invest in my blog to make the money worthwhile.

This is why I loathe those get rich from your blog articles…many deny the amount of time, energy and preparation that goes into for profit blogging

There’s also the issue with choosing which identifiers the blog will highlight.

As a reader I appreciate knowing that Blog Whatever by Blogger Whomever writes about Topic One always.

For a fact, my unfocused blog would drive me crazy as a reader!!!

And yet, I write about whatever I feel like.

My blog is like those journals I used to keep out in the open in my room

I would only put surface level material in those journals just in case someone decided to read it!

Yes, my blog entries are vague enough to give you something to read…yet make you wonder about the person behind the words.

It almost feels like you’re getting to know something about me…while simultaneously feeling a bit detached!

I’ve read quite a bit about how to make thousands from your blog and I break those rules quite frequently on this very blog

I completely appreciate you reading the garb I write and just like those old journals

This blog is a wonderful outlet – even if I purposely write with the thought that someone may read it and I love privacy.

I may never make thousands from blogging but I truly enjoy writing with the expectation that YOU may read it.

Thank you for reading my garb and If you are indeed making thousands from your blog – I applaud your persistence and dedication